Familiar Horror Movie Scenes Ruined by the New iPhone

Illustration for article titled Familiar Horror Movie Scenes Ruined by the New iPhone

Nick Martens's horror film screenplay was going so well until Apple paid for product placement.


"We'll never make it out of here. I can't see a thing."

"Don't give up yet! There's still hope!"

"It's too dark. It's going to hunt us down if we don't fall and break our necks first."


"But…just try anything! Use your phone screen!"

"Are you crazy? That's not nearly enough."

"Wait, doesn't that thing have a flash now?"

"But only for like a second when you take a picture."

"No, you can totally get an app that keeps it on."


"Yeah, I think it's called iFlashlight."

"Lemme download that… okay, there we go."

"Whoa, that's fucking bright!"

"Check it out: strobe light!"

"Aw yeah, rave time! Unce-unce-unce-unce!"


"Why hello there, my pretty little girl. I've been waiting so long to finally introduce myself to you. You see, though you don't know me, I know you quite well. Every day I watch you eating, working, sleeping… undressing. And now it's just you and me, all alone, and I've got all the time in the world to have my fun with you."

"You realize I'm filming this don't you? You see this thing I'm holding?"

"My dear, by the time I'm finished here, all that will be disposed of."

"No, I mean I'm streaming it live on the web right now. 78 people are watching on my Qik channel."


"What? I thought that only worked on wifi."

"No, you can do it on 3G too."

"Oh, neat."


"We're trapped!"

"Quick, call for help! It'll be back by sunset!"

"No signal! Shit! It's gonna get us!"

"Dude, you're holding it in your left hand."


"You're covering the little antenna thing on the bottom there."

"Fuck, that's right. I mean, I know it's a cool design, but you'd think they'd test the hell out of it."


"No kidding. Hey, how's the signal looking?"

"Five bars. Calling AAA now."



"Your end draws near."


"The time has come to pay for your sinful ways."

"Who is this? Stop calling me!"

"I am closer than you realize, and so too is your death."

"Oh hey, you've got FaceTime enabled? I've been meaning to try that out."

"Yeah, it's pretty great. Here, you start it."

"I'll just hit the button?"

"Yeah, there you go. Okay, l'm accepting. Can you see m…wait, shit."

"Todd! What the fuck man!"

Nick Martens is an editor at The Bygone Bureau. Illustration by Hallie Bateman.


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Shawn Scott

I miss the old horror films where you could kill something with the household phone. Last time I say anything being hit with one was in Mr. & Mrs. Smith when they were talking to the target in the motel.