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Fishbate Finally Brings Violent Fish Masturbation to the iPhone

Illustration for article titled Fishbate emFinally/em Brings Violent Fish Masturbation to the iPhone

Pay no mind to the vague, nonsensical App Store description for Fishbate: This app is about masturbating fish to completion. Or, possibly, to death.

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How do I know this? How can I say with such certainty that the app's description, which claims that "shaking the slippery fish" is a "great ice-breaker", is really just full-on fish masturbation simulator? (Aside from the fact that it's called "Fishbate?") Cue the developer's glorious PR pitch, which landed in my inbox this morning:

Hello John,

I was wondering if you were interested in downloading my first app on the app store.
It's called "fishbate", and the goal is to masturbate a floppy fish. There are squishy sounds to coincide with the visuals.

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I have tried this app. I can confirm these things: When you shake your phone, you are treated to a horrific, wet slurping sound, and as you approach the 50-shake "climax", the frequency of vibration increases. Once you meet the goal, the fish spews pale white liquid from its head (resident fish dick enthusiast Joel Johnson assures me this is called "milt") and dies, according to the ensuing notification windows. I can also confirm that, while you may laugh during the process, you'll feel pretty bad the second it's all over.

So, Apple, just to be clear: It's not OK to release an image browser app that can potentially be used to view porn, among other images, but it is OK to release an app in which you pleasure a fish until it ejaculates. Yeah? Got it. Fishbate is free until February.

UPDATE: Breaking news from the developer!

We are currently working on version 2 which includes Bluetooth multiplayer competition.

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Come on. [Fishbate]

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DISCUSSION

It was April the forty-first

Being a quadruple leap year

I was driving in downtown Atlantis

My barracuda was in the shop

So I was in a rented stingray

And it was overheating

So I pulled into a Shell Station

They said I'd blown a seal

I said, "Fix the damn thing

And leave my private life out of it

Okay pal?"

While they were doing that

I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar, a real dive

But I knew the owner

He used to play for the Dolphins

I said "Hi Gil"

You have to yell, he's hard of herring

Think I had a wet dream

Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream

Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

Wet dream

Gil was also down on his luck

Fact is he was barely keeping his head below water

I bellied up to the sandbar

He poured me the usual

Rusty snail, hold the grunion

Shaken not stirred

With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side

Heavy on the mako

I slipped him a fin

On porpoise

I was feeling good

I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's squids

For the halibut

Well the place was crowded

We were packed in like sardines They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal

What sole

Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna

Salmon Chanted Evening

And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers

Probably there to see the bass player

One of them was this cute little yellowtail

And she's giving me the eye

So I figured this is my chance for a little fun

You know, piece of Pisces

But she said things I just couldn't fathom

She was too deep, seemed to be under a lot of pressure

Boy, could she drink

She drank like a . . .

She drank a lot

I said "What's your sign"

She said "Aquarium"

I said "Great, let's get tanked"

Think I had a wet dream

Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream

Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

Wet dream

I invited her to my place for a midnight bait

I said "Come on baby, it'll only take a few minnows"

She threw me that same old line

"Not tonight, I gotta haddock"

And she wasn't kidding either

Cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock

I'd ever seen come down the pike

He was covered with mussels

He came over to me and said

"Listen, shrimp, don't you come trollin' around here"

What a crab

This guy was steamed

I could see the anchor in his eyes

I turned to him, I said

"A-balone, you're just being shellfish"

Well, I knew it was going to be trouble and so did Gil

‘Cause he was already on the phone to the cods

The haddock hits me with a sucker punch

I catch him with a left hook

He eels over

It was a fluke but there he was

Lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel

Kelpless

I said "Forget the cods Gil

This guy's gonna need a sturgeon"

Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend

She came over to me, she said

"Hey, big boy, you're really a game fish

What's your name"

I said "Marlin"

Think I had a wet dream

Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream

Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

Wet dream

Well, from then on we had a whale of a time

I took her to dinner, I took her to dance

I bought her a bouquet of flounders

And then I went home with her

And what did I get for my trouble

A case of the clams

Think I had a wet dream

Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream

Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

Wet dream

Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream

Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

Wet dream

Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream

Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

— Courtesy of Kip Adotta and Dr. Demento