In a parallel universe, there’s a planet where it rains only Italian cured meats. It appears that somehow, a wormhole has ripped through the space-time continuum and connected that world to ours, as evidenced by an assemblage of Italian sausage recently found on a family’s roof in Deerfield Beach, Florida. It’s a mystery meat whodunnit that raises more questions than answers; a cold case that has shaken a community to its core.
On Saturday at around 4am, the Adair family was awakened by a loud thud on the roof of their residence. Morning’s light later revealed the unthinkable: 15 pounds of frozen Italian sausage, wrapped in suspicious white packaging. The only clue left at the scene was the name printed on the bag, “Williams Land Service,” which the Adairs traced back to a land surveying company in Alabama. A rep at the company told Austin Adair, who was sleeping at the time the meat dropped on his home, that they had no business with the sausage.
“You could tell that guy thought I was absolutely insane when I called him,” Adair told Gizmodo. “But he did have a good sense of humor, because he asked me to send him pictures [of the meat].”
Even with Williams Land Service ruled out as a potential suspect, so many salient questions remain: Who would vandalize an unsuspecting family’s home with cured meats? How far down the rabbit hole of depravity does this entire ordeal go? We decided to investigate a few possible leads:
Theory 1: It was a prank.
The kids these days just don’t appreciate the value of a quality Italian meat. It’s possible that some hooligan with a grudge against gourmet sausages threw the bag full of meat on the Adair’s home as some sort of joke. There is nothing funny about wasting sausage to satisfy some sophomoric desire for validation.
The Broward County Sheriff’s Office, which serves Deerfield Beach, did not respond to Gizmodo’s inquiry as to whether or not “similar incidences with meats (or other objects) have been reported recently.” We will update this post if and when we hear back.
Theory 2: It was a drone delivery gone wrong.
There’s no conceivable way that bags of meat would look this pristine if they were dropped from an airplane. The Adairs suspect that the meat could have come from a drone that accidentally dropped the meat on their roof.
“The most non-crazy thing we can think of is maybe it was a drone delivery of some kind, but even that doesn’t make sense because of the company name on it,” Adair said.
Curiously enough, there is a “European Sausage Kitchen” located right in the heart of Deerfield Beach. Gizmodo called and emailed Emil’s European Sausage Kitchen to find out if they knew anything about the sausage delivery, but apparently, the shop is closed until the end of August “for vacation.” Suspicious.
If you ignore how utterly ridiculous it is, the drone theory seems almost plausible. Who hasn’t tried to airlift some Italian meats their way? The problem is that Deerfield Beach is sandwiched between two airports which are no-fly zones for drones, according to drone website Hivemapper. Therefore, it’s unclear just how far a drone could fly near the Adairs’ home—legally. That brings us to our next lead.
Theory 3: Drugs—or worse.
It’s possible that this story has nothing to do with delicious meats at all—perhaps the Adairs found themselves in the crosshairs of an international sausage heist or drug exchange gone wrong.
“Some people have said they think it’s not actually sausage and it’s like a body in the meat,” Adair told Gizmodo. We could not independently confirm the meat’s quality as it is currently somewhere in a landfill in Deerfield Beach, Florida.
No matter which way you look at this case, one thing’s for sure: it’s a spicy meatball of a story.