The great tragedy of modernist American cuisine is that the Pizza Hut hot dog stuffed crust pizza isn't available here. If you wanted one, you had to travel internationally—until now. Because Gizmodo loves you/wants to kill you, we brought this pizza to America where it belongs.
Here's how to make the greatest advancement in pizza since forever, in the comfort of your own kitchen.
Look, I know you've been wanting that hot dog stuffed crust pizza for a week now. Me too! But I'm damn sure not going to fly to London, or Southeast Asia (where it's also available), or even Athens, Ohio for a goddamn pizza. So, Gizmodo's technology team reverse engineered this wonderpie, breaking it down to all of its core components. Turns out, all of the ingredients are available from a Trader Joe's (or your equivalent hipster market) for less than $20! Here's what you need:
- Pizza Dough
- Marinara Sauce (one jar will be plenty)
- Shredded mozzarella (you can use the fresh stuff too)
- Basil (optional)
- Pepperoni (optional)
- Hot dogs (not optional)
I'd also sugest two pizza gadgets: a pizza peel and a pizza stone. The peel is a paddle you use to transfer the pizza to the oven, and the stone is what it cooks on. The latter can set you back some coin. But in a pinch, if you don't have a stone or a peel, you can make this recipe on a baking sheet. In fact, it'll be even easier that way. Your crust won't be as crispy, but let's be real: That's just going to make it more of an authentic Pizza Hut experience. You may also want to keep a defibrillator handy.
Finally, a brief note about your meat: You're going to want your dogs to be either short in length or curved if you want to make a nice round pizza. Otherwise, you'll need to slice them or bake a rectangular pizza. I went with little bratwursts because they're both short in length and thin in diameter, which makes them easy to work with. Also, brats are the traditional food of my people, the Alabamians. They are more yummy and bad for you too, which is nice. To whet your appetite, here's what we're shooting for:
Ready? Okay. Let's go.
First of all, pop the stone in the oven and preheat that the oven to 550 for, say, half an hour. You want that stone to be hotter than Robert Scoble's asscrack on a hot summer day when he's trucking 40 pounds of camera gear through a blogger-filled lawn.
Next, brown your snausages. Your hot dogs are probably already pre-cooked. So this isn't essential, but they'll taste better if you do it. Also, they're only going to be in the oven for about 10 minutes, so this will also make sure they're nice and hot all the way through.
While the dogs are browning, get your dough ready (the pre-made, store-bought stuff is fine). If you're good, you can stretch it out by hand and toss it in the air and all that. But if you kind of suck, like I do, you'll want to roll it out. Once your dough is done, dust your peel with cornmeal. You want to keep your dough from sticking to the peel when you transfer it to the oven. Cornmeal will keep the peel dry and let your dough slide off easily onto the stone. Transfer your flattened dough ball to the dusted peel, and have all your other ingredients at hand.
Now it's time to dog that shit up, dawg. About two inches from the edge of your beautiful circle of dough, assemble a Ring of Hot Dogs. Again, shorter dogs will let you make a more perfect circle. Roll the edges of the dough back over the dogs, and then pinch it down so that it sticks. Pinch it hard! Harder! Harder!
Add sauce, then cheese, and finally your toppings. I went pretty basic, with basil and pepperoni. But you can put pretty much whatever you want on there except broccoli or pineapple, which are disgusting.
I apologize for this blurriness of this photo. And the other photos. Look, I was trying to make a pizza and take pictures at the same time and my hands were all doughey and there was a hot oven and I was pressed for time and drunk.
Now it's time to cook. Use the peel to slide your pizza on the oven. Okay! I screwed up here and forgot about Isaac Newton, who had some stuff to say about objects in motion and inertia and mass and stuff.
What I didn't realize in advance is that when you slide the pizza off the peel, those dogs are going to want to keep moving while the dough puts the brakes on. This is why you pinch the dough, people! Keeps those hot dogs from rolling. Also, go with a little slower transfer than you normally would. Fuck it, while you're at it, hire a photographer. Learn from my mistakes, for they are shameful.
Got it in the oven? Good. Set your oven timer for five minutes.
Oh, what, you thought I forgot the fucking mustard drizzle? YOU CANNOT FORGET THE MUSTARD DRIZZLE PEOPLE!!!
Sadly, Pizza Hut UK doesn't list the ingredients of Mustard Drizzle, which leads me to believe that it's made of beet sugar, sheep's blood and horse testicles. (Hey, it's the UK.) I didn't have any of that stuff, so I Googled mustard drizzle, looked at a few recipes and decided to whip together some yellow mustard, soy sauce and balsamic vinegar. It was delightful.
Once the timer goes off, it's time to spin your pizza. This is just to cook it evenly. Rotate the stone 180 degrees and cook it for another five or six minutes until the crust is nice and done.
Okay, you're finished! Pull that mass of dough, cheese and pig and cow parts out of the oven and let it cool for a few minutes before slicing it.
Here's my attempt at duplicating the Pizza Hut ad.
Don't forget the mustard drizzle!
We had three testers try this out. It was truly goddamn delicious. Everyone agreed it was majestic. An artwork, in fact.
Even better, nobody died. Although, I did have heart palpitations for a little while afterwards. (For real.) You should probably go for a run afterwards. Your call. Enjoy your pizza.