Living in Silicon Valley Sounds Like a Nightmare

AP Images
AP Images

The housing situation has gotten so ridiculous in Palo Alto, the original home of Facebook and Google, that there’s a studio up for sale for a cool $1.3 million dollars. Bloomberg says that’s totally normal. Good luck using your phone in your stupid overpriced studio, because cell service is a total shit show.


According to Bloomberg, the median home value in Palo Alto has doubled to $2.5 million dollars since 2005, which is 13 times the national level. Wow, that’s a lot of money, and you can’t even use your goddamn cellphone in your expensive ass house turned quasi-faraday cage. Nice job, idiot.

You might try to have your Tesla take itself out of your garage, hop in and let it drive you to somewhere hospitable with at least two bars of LTE, but good luck doing that. Traffic is also a nightmare in sunny Silicon Valley. Wow, this shit sounds like a hellhole! Not to mention that you are surrounded by other annoying rich people who love to terrorize their neighbors.

While you are trying to figure out how to pay your exorbitant mortgage—or rent—try not to worry about your job coding up apps and software, because the mayor is literally considering banning companies that write code. What a nightmare! (For you.)

[Bloomberg and New York Times]

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It’s pretty bad. Imagine that every douche that would have gone to Wharton and Wall Street in 1986 because of Donald Trump and Alex P Keaton instead went to Stanford for just as long as it takes to drop out of CS50 and get your roomie’s friend’s frat brother’s dad to firehose you a Series H round for your new Titzapoppn app. There’s still a tech sector here, but most of the new stuff is just like it was during the dot-com bubble except it’s an app instead of a URL that somehow makes it magical. Also, the play isn’t IPO or acquisition, it’s keep getting VC money until...something something PROFIT.

And the worst part is, it’s dragged in all the flotsam and jetsam of any gold rush: a bunch of people chasing the get rich quick scheme because who wants to get rich slow? You know, the ones who think it’s fine to vape on their hoverboard in front of the No Smoking and DISMOUNT ZONE signs at the Caltrain station at University Ave. Meanwhile, the average turnaround on jobs at NASA Ames is 2 years because you can’t afford the rent any longer than that.

Christ, I hate it here. Try opening your app company in Nashville. No income tax and it’s the second largest bachelorette party destination in America so you have just as good a chance of hollering, you hipster yuppie dickwagon.