When it comes to informed consumption, online user reviews can be pretty damn meaningless. Amazon products are chock full of paid approbations. Movies, TV, and games—god forbid they become a source of controversy—have had their crowdsourced ratings intentionally tanked by the sore and sour. Unless you’re trying to figure out whether that suspiciously cheap gadget will catch fire (it will), it’s a mug’s game.
But what about the outside world, that great big everywhere thing that isn’t for sale? Google Reviews, the empowering social tool that allows you to anonymously curse out a cafe for refusing to write the name “poopballs” on your coffee cup, can be used to assess plenty of non-consumer Earth stuff too. I’m taking about nature, baby! People on Google Reviews can, and have, reviewed nature. Finally, the masses can hold the Gulf of Saint Lawrence to account.
“But you said user reviews are trash,” I hear you say. First, allow yourself to have a little fun, for once. Secondly, I choose to believe these reviews are a little more accurate, because it takes a special type of yahoo to waste their time writing things that aren’t true about a goddamn mesa. So without anymore fucking around, here are some types of nature, ranked from most to least bad. In the event of a tied score, I put them in whatever order seemed right, because it’s my blog post and let’s be honest, if you were going to look all this crap up, you would have done it already.
World Oceans
Southern, 3.2 out of 5 stars
Arctic, 3.4 out of 5 stars
Pacific, 3.6 out of 5 stars
Atlantic, 3.9 out of 5 stars
Indian, 4.3 out of 5 stars
Sample review of the victor:
Always good to admit your mistakes. Moving on!
Great Lakes
Michigan, 4.5 out of 5 stars
Erie, 4.5 out of 5 stars
Ontario, 4.5 out of 5 stars
Superior, 4.6 out of 5 stars
Huron, 4.7 out of 5 stars
A tight race, but it looks like Lake “Superior” wrote checks its ass couldn’t cash.
Sample review of the victor:
Major Mountain Ranges
Barisan, 3.2 out of 5 stars
Serra do Mar, 3.3 out of 5 stars
Taurus, 3.6 out of 5 stars
Eastern Highlands, 3.7 out of 5 stars
Vindhya, 3.8 out of 5 stars
Drakensberg, 4.0 out of 5 stars
Zagros, 4.0 out of 5 stars
Atlas, 4.1 out of 5 stars
Himalayas, 4.2 out of 5 stars
Southern Alps, 4.2 out of 5 stars
Aravalli, 4.2 out of 5 stars
Andes, 4.2 out of 5 stars
Brooks, 4.3 out of 5 stars
Western Ghats, 4.3 out of 5 stars
Apennine, 4.4 out of 5 stars
Sierra Madre Occidental, 4.5 out of 5 stars
Alps, 4.5 out of 5 stars
Rocky, 4.6 out of 5 stars
Ural, 4.6 out of 5 stars
Carpathian, 4.6 out of 5 stars
Caucasus, 4.6 out of 5 stars
Cascade, 4.7 out of 5 stars
Balkan, 4.7 out of 5 stars
Mantiqueira, 4.7 out of 5 stars
Annamite, 4.8 out of 5 stars
By a hair, and with a meager nine (9!) reviews total, the Annamites take the crown. Congrats Laos, Vietnam, and parts of Cambodia.
Totally baffling review of the runner-up:
Rivers (Just the Pretty Big Ones)
Nelson, 3.6 out of 5 stars
Yangtze, 3.7 out of 5 stars
Congo, 3.7 out of 5 stars
Niger, 3.7 out of 5 stars
Japura, 3.7 out of 5 stars
Yellow, 3.8 out of 5 stars
Amazon, 3.9 out of 5 stars
Mekong, 3.9 out of 5 stars
Euphrates, 4.0 out of 5 stars
Salween, 4.0 out of 5 stars
Rio Grande, 4.0 out of 5 stars
Pilcomayo, 4.0 out of 5 stars
Indus, 4.2 out of 5 stars
Nile, 4.2 out of 5 stars
Paraguay, 4.2 out of 5 stars
Zambezi, 4.2 out of 5 stars
Madeira, 4.2 out of 5 stars
Brahmaputra, 4.2 out of 5 stars
Amur, 4.2 out of 5 stars
Mississippi, 4.2 out of 5 stars
Panj, 4.2 out of 5 stars
Murray, 4.3 out of 5 stars
Jurua, 4.3 out of 5 stars
Syr Darya, 4.4 out of 5 stars
Ishim, 4.4 out of 5 stars
Saint Lawrence, 4.5 out of 5 stars
Parana, 4.5 out of 5 stars
Tocantins, 4.5 out of 5 stars
Danube, 4.5 out of 5 stars
Padma, 4.5 out of 5 stars
Ob, 4.5 out of 5 stars
Ural, 4.5 out of 5 stars
Vilyuy, 4.5 out of 5 stars
Lena, 4.5 out of 5 stars
Purus, 4.5 out of 5 stars
Yukon, 4.5 out of 5 stars
Yenisei, 4.6 out of 5 stars
Sao Francisco, 4.6 out of 5 stars
Araguaia, 4.6 out of 5 stars
Kolyma, 4.6 out of 5 stars
Volga, 4.6 out of 5 stars
Katun, 4.9 out of 5 stars
Nizhnyaya Tunguska, 4.9 out of 5 stars
Argun, 5.0 out of 5 stars
Even though the Argun floated to first on the strength of a single review (“a nice place”), rivers were a total sweep by Russia, which took all five top slots.
Sample review of the worst major river on Earth, Canada’s Nelson River:
So there you have it: if you must go outside, these are the four places you can go that complete strangers vouch for as Good Nature.
Was your favorite nature not on one of these lists? Doesn’t seem like our problem, but go ahead and tell us in the comments.
