Rideable Train Set Will End Your Fairy Tale Christmas

Illustration for article titled Rideable Train Set Will End Your Fairy Tale Christmas

Let me tell you a story about a boy named Timmy. Born to a poor servant woman out of wedlock, Timmy was abandoned at a young age on the steps of a church, his mother hoping he could find a life better than she could provide. He did not. Instead Timmy spent his youth traveling town to town, shining shoes, cutting wood, doing pretty much any labor necessary to afford one meal a day. His life was hard and often felt meaningless. No one loved him, he thought. And unfortunately, he was right. Years passed in this way, until one Christmas morning...Timmy woke up to the sun shining in the alley where he slept. Oh no, he would be late to his new job at the bakery, a place with sweets and other good things to eat. He could not lose this position or he would go hungry again. But to Timmy's surprise, the Baker was sitting beside him, touching his cheek gently. "You've worked hard for too long, little boy. You deserve a good home and a loving father," the Baker said. "I'd like to adopt you, if you'll have me as your dad." Timmy's eyes welled up in tears. This Christmas he would get a new beginning. Life would change for the better. Maybe he could even go to school, pursue his day dreams of architecture or baking. "But there's one thing I'll ask of you first," the Baker said. "What...father?" the boy responded. "Open that gift," replied the Baker. And it was at that moment that Timmy noticed a huge wrapped gift leaning beside the brick. It was the biggest present he'd ever seen, even when he remembered back to the times he'd peek in shop windows. Timmy could not restrain himself. He ripped into the package ravenously until the shiny paper succumbed to the mud of the streets. "It's a train!" Timmy exclaimed. The Baker smiled tenderly. It had cost him six months of pay, though he'd never admit that to anyone. "Hop on," the Baker said. So Timmy jumped in the Hammacher Schlemmer Locomotive, his face glowing from either the sun or glee, one could not tell. He shouted "all aboard" and the Baker laughed. Then Timmy stopped for a moment, glancing around at the controls. "How do you start the train?" Timmy asked. "Oh, you crank it to go," the Baker explained. "A mechanical toy? You mean I have to work even more than I have my whole life?? Fuck that shit!" And with that, Timmy and the Baker parted ways, never to see one another again. [Hammacher Schlemmer via DVICE]


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Mr. Wilson, Reluctant Pumpkin King Incarnate

Hmm, too bad I know it doesn't go anywhere near fast enough to make it any fun. Makes my thoughts jump to how fun it'd be to have a pedal-powered rollercoaster in the backyard, for some reason.