We get two semi-big revelations (and one admittedly funny Matthew McConaughey impression) on this week’s Scream Queens; the rest is a whole lotta filler studded with handy reminders that one could actually be watching a real campy horror flick (Leprechaun FTW!) instead.
The episode’s title, “Haunted House,” refers of course to Kappa house, haunted by a costumed serial killer, a 20-year-old mystery involving a baby born in a bathtub to a sorority sister who died soon after, etc. And it also refers to a just-off-campus abandoned house said to be occupied by “the hag of Shady Lane,” a mysterious woman in black who was seen stealing diapers and hoarding dolls lo these 20 years ago. Scream Queens makes you wait until the last shot to see who the “hag” is, but it’s not really a shock: it’s Gigi, the only female character on the show who’s the right age to have been a Kappa girl at the time of Bathtub Babygate ... and who has made repeated references to being stuck on something that happened to her in the 1990s. You don’t say?
We do meet another Kappa alum, though, who drops the episode’s other bombshell—in case you haven’t guessed by the dolls, it turns out that l’enfant Kappa was a girl. So barring some kind of Sleepaway Camp type of situation, the grown-up baby can’t be Chad Radwell, as Grace and Pete thought. They get this nugget of info after road-tripping to visit Mandy, who was one of the blonde minions summoned to assist the night the baby was born.
From her, we also glean insight into the aftermath, in which Cathy Munsch ordered the girls to bury the young mother’s body and told them she’d cover up the crime, to spare them any legal entanglements but more importantly to keep her own career running smoothly. Munsch, of course, went on to become dean of the college. But life didn’t work out so well for Mandy, who’s now 40 and living alone with a pet squirrel in a trailer, spending her nights eating roadkill and watching Leprechaun (though her blonde highlights still look suspiciously fab).
Mandy regales Grace and Pete (dressed as Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, a costume choice seemingly selected after someone heard Diego Boneta’s Rust Cohle impersonation, and decided it needed to hit prime time ... it is pretty great, to be honest) with the truth, but a lot of good it does her; soon after, she gets a knock-knock from the Red Devil. Bye-bye, Mandy.
There are no on-campus kills this week, though Chanel threatens to eviscerate Zayday after she learns she’s planning to run against her for Kappa president. The girls plan competing Halloween-themed fundraisers, with Zayday choosing the spooky house on Shady Lane as her venue. The killer(s) either love or hate this idea, because he/she/they turn up before the party starts to scatter the bodies of everyone who’s died so far, including Ariana Grande’s text-aholic alcoholic, and hapless school mascot “Coney.” Naturally, the haunted-house attendees think they are the greatest Halloween decorations they’ve ever seen.
So, OK. The baby was a girl, Gigi helped raise it in secret, and Dean Munsch knows way more than she’s letting on. That’s all we got as far as plot momentum. Other stuff that happened:
- We learn that Chanel is obsessed with Halloween, and sends mean-spirited “Chanel-O-Ween” gifts to her most fawning Instagram followers. Anyone else surprised that Chanel Oberlin would have less than 1,000 Insta fans? Obvi she’s no Emma Roberts (who has four million followers), but 700-whatever seems kinda low, no?
- The only class on campus, from what we’ve seen, is the film-history class taught by Grace’s increasingly suspicious-seeming father, Wes, which he uses as a platform for sharing Deep Thoughts about his favorite horror movies. We gotta admit, we would have loved to watch Children of the Corn for college credit back in the day ...
- The cafeteria fight, in which the alpha Kappa girls punch out two bros who call them “hot,” was a total high point for feminism! Just kidding. It was actually really, really, really obnoxious.
- Speaking of “hot,” the Red Devil can’t come soon enough for Lea Michele’s graveyard-obsessed, newly tarted-up character. Uggghhhh.