I don't know if Alan Ball can top last night's big "which vampire used to be a ridiculous 1920s fop" reveal. True Blood just told us all just how seriously the show expects to be taken: apparently, not at all.
Honestly guys I think this weeks big TB moment, the singing Vampire Bill, will stay with me for years and years and years. I really don't even have much more general recap to say other then did you go as bonkers with hysterical laughter as I did?
The Pros and Cons of TB:
Pro: Eric's indifference towards his willing cup o' blood. I also kind of love how calling him baby really gets him "out of the mood." But then why is he all sweet to her afterwards? Eric isn't a nice creature? Confusing for me — anyway, Bill's old flame is back, and acting not interested — but we all know she clearly is because, duh, Bill's hot and says words like he's being punched. (Dreamy.) All this is a pro... if they actually make her do something, unlike the other women of this show, who either do the opposite of what they should for obvious plot reasons, wait for the menfolk to make decisions, or continue to throw the same old boring sex parties again and again and again.
Con: So Eric brings in Bill's maker — crafty old blond dog — and meanwhile, Bill is FREAKING out about the door knocking. Seriously? It's someone at the door. Chill the fuck out. Where was this spazzing when everyone else knocked on the door or called earlier?
Pro: Holy. Mother. Of. God. HE SINGS. BILL THE VAMPIRE SINGS. Someone peel me off the ceiling — I cannot contain myself. This is sexy? This is RIDICULOUS. Please let him get up and grab his vampire knees, and start doing the freaking Charleston all over the place with vintage vampire jazz hands. Wow, that is just...where is the rewind button? I need more of this saccharine singing happy-face howling. Holy hell, did you see the little head flip, when he finished? Unbelievable. Ugh, this is just the ultimate pop vampire moment — top that, you has-been, Edward. Can you tickle the ivories like Billy-boy here?
Pro: I think I'm still reeling from the shock of watching that whole moment, because I almost missed his godforsaken French accent. Did he study a cartoon character for tips of mastering the French dialect? Bill sounds like a fake French Bugs Bunny in drag. Delightful. I mean, in general, it's a disaster, but I'm still rolling around on the ground at the sight and sound of Bill singing.
Con: "Because not taking a risk is riskier." No Sam that's not word play, that's bullshit. If someone said that to me they would be getting an are-you-kidding-me look from my direction, quite possibly followed by a "really?" What's next, are you going to tell him to take the "road less traveled?" This girl is no good an insincere. And look at her sullying up a perfectly lovely pool table, no respect. Also, how long do you think it takes Sam to round brush his puppy hair like that? It's so perfectly styled, you just want to....well...pet it.
Pro: Tara for yelling at Maryann. Now, can she keep up this hot streak of one Pro? Turns out... no.
Pro: We need way more Karl, he is more man than runny old Eggs. He may not have taken offense to Eggs, but I sure did. Karl falls to the floor after a proper smacking, makes the coffee, and gives manservant-esque kneeling foot massages, and he is still more man than the open-shirt Eggs.
Pro: Yay awkwardness between Sarah and Jason after all the heavy religious petting that happened. True Blood, the one thing you do, do pretty well is make characters feel the consequences of their actions. Look at Lafayette last week. He's full of vintage vampire juice, but he's still carrying the mental scars deep inside. Well, except for Sookie and Bill — but that's because they sold their souls to the devil for a bottle of lube and some shiny lip gloss. Seems like that's what they would take for their souls, anyway.
Pro: More inappropriate touching from Steve... hmmm.
Con: Sookie gets some human-dating-vampire advice from her new friend Mr. What'shisfacenotimportant. "I know we're both fighting for our relationship, for each other, to stay together." How do you have any friends at all? Seriously, Sookie — do you hear the things you are saying? Ugh, just stomach turning. Can we go back to the singing vampire now please?
Con: Eggs acting bewildered. Notice they had to pump up the scary muzak to 11, because, well, he's worthless. Sorry but it's true.
Pro: Bellefleur's tirade to Lafayette, "You weren't on a cruise. If you if you were you would have come back with more pizazz not less." The use of Pizazz is just well pizzaztic. He's got a point: Lafayette is totally pizzazzless. And we're worried about him, especially when he's afraid of everyone and Bellefleur's face changes into Eric. Someone help our boy!
Pro: Well, of course Terry comes to the rescue. This actually makes a lot of sense: one trauma victim to another. It's a sweet little scene. But seriously, only in True Blood, where I just saw a singing vampire does this on-the-floor, quickie man-hug actually work.
Pro: Hoyt all pissed and sweaty, and pissed, and sweaty. Gonna have to say, I'd take Hoyt over Eric and Bill any day. Especially when he throws the smackdown on his mom because "Now Jessica is going to think I'm one of those boys that, like, never texts back." HOYT OUT.
Con: Eggs is sad. Poor sad Eggs. Because you found a bloody rock and now you're so confused-a-boozeled.
Pro: Sam growing a pair, and actually living up to his sex appeal. We all watched the video tape on workplace sexual harassment, but I wouldn't have minded a boss like that. I also wouldn't mind the ability to turn into a deer. But you know if wishes were deer people, beggars would ride.
Con: Look Sookie is doing the opposite of what she was asked to do and promised she would do — huge surprise. Once again lives are put in jeopardy, all due to the whims of Ms. Stackhouse.
Pro: MORE evil Bill all the time. He's like a collection of grunts, screams, growls, evil eyes and mouth breathing. Did he close his jaw the entire time he was evil? Gotta love they are literally having sex on top of the half dead girl living next to him, oh and did you not think French Bugs Bunny in drag YET AGAIN when screamed "Au revoir"!
Pro: Pam is back, and with yet another terrible outfit. I see we've moved from teenage clothes to tacky West Coast moms with too much money. All right then.
Pro: Sookie has been back-stabbed by a rat — I like it. She could have tried a wee bit harder to get them out of there, don'tcha think? Like, "If you'll please excuse me and my husband, I need to go to the bathroom." Then climb out the window. But don't lead What'shisfacenotimportant right into danger. So did Eric set this up with Bill's old Maker, so he could save Sookie or something?
Con: The whole ET thing. Stop. You're not making it happen guys, let it go. It's like Fetch: it's never going to happen
Con: Now that is a sexy party. I love that they need a live band for the fucking party. Really? And yawn, this again? I'm not surprised. Are you? It's basically the same thing with less prep work.
Pro: Sam is right about his anti-drum rule. It usually does lead to hippies or a cult, which are both bothersome and unfortunate.
Pro: Jessica wakes up and the first thing she does is check her phone — sigh, I've been there. And hooray, Hoyt drove all the way to be with her in Dallas — of course he is, because he's perfect and wonderful and good. We too have been there, but you know, only in our minds. Jessica and Hoyt: the only couple you don't want to tie up and throw into a river on True Blood.
Pro: He uses the C word.
Con: Daphne, you whore — leave my puppy alone. He was just starting to get good, too. I swear if you harm him, I'll end you. But the screaming? Really, Sam. I was just getting done telling everyone what a big man you were. This is not helping.
Play 'em off Piano Bill: