The 7 Absolute Worst Tech Gifts to Give This Holiday

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The Non-Denominational Secular Thing Buying Period is upon us! Now is the time to start thinking about which shiny, sorta-expensive gadget gift you're going to bestow upon friends and lovers. Make sure you don't pick these. They're worse than coal.

A Cheap Android Tablet

Oh, a tablet! You shouldn't have! This must have cost you an arm and a leg, buddy. You bought me a tablet! Are you a space millionaire? I can't wait to browse the web, watch videos, and quickly gouge my eyes out as I realize that a budget Android tablet is the must infuriatingly awful piece of tech out there. Even expensive Android tablets struggle to perform decently—so this PanDigital 72-70FW 7-inch tablet, for example, is a criminal act. This is something you should buy for someone if you hate them. It will be unbelievably slow, buggy, and run a shockingly outdated version of Android that will never be updated. This isn't even a trojan horse of a gift—it's a horse covered in pox sores that will ruin the household you introduce it to.


iPod Touch

The iPod Touch is a great device, but it's filled with old parts. That won't last for long. Don't buy one of these until Apple sticks the iPhone 4S' stellar camera and faster A5 processor—which is inevitable. You don't want to be stuck with last gen tech for next year's toy.


Digital Picture Frame

This never made sense when it was expensive, and still doesn't make sense now that it's less expensive. If you want a framed photo on your wall print one out. Photo prints are amazing! They have infinite battery life, great viewing angles, cost pennies, and won't make you look like a douchebag with a digital picture frame in your house. If you'd like to look at more than one photo, wish list holders can open... their computers. Remember Facebook?


Budget Point and Shoot Camera

The point and shoot camera is dying because phones are getting so great at both pics and video. So if you're planning on spending below $150 or so, don't bother—odds are a decent smartphone will be on par with it, and will spare someone extra bulk in your pocket.


Google TV

For now, Google TV is a floating whale corpse. Logitech has abandoned it because nobody wants it, and nobody wants it because it's half-baked. But Google is persistent, and the next wave of Google TV (not to be associated in any way with Google Wave, shudder) should be better. Much better. It'll run on Honeycomb—like it should have to begin with—and the boxes it sits in will likely sport a mighty powerful Tegra 3 processor. Google TV is a good idea—just wait until it's good off paper, too.


Beats by Dre

The entire line is horrendously overpriced—you're paying for the name of a rapper who hasn't put out a rap album in 12 years. Instead of going for a dubious status symbol, pick out something great and affordable from our headphone Battlemodo.


4G Phone

Hey, thanks for the free cell phone, baby!

Hey, thanks for the $540 yearly bill for capped data on a network that may or may not be actual 4G, asshole!


Photo: Jim David/Shutterstock