The Absolute Goofiest Old School James Bond Gadgets

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Back in the day, James Bond movies dazzled audiences with cloak-and-dagger technology. But as the years have wended on, that technology which once looked snazzy now comes across as hilarious, dated, or mildly deranged. Forget about Jaws' dentures and Moonraker lasers, we're scraping the bottom of the 007's gadget barrel here. Remember when Roger Moore wore a third nipple?

Editorial Note: We went everything pre-Pierce Brosnan. Otherwise every other item on here would be from Die Another Day.

1. Explosive Shark Pellets
When: Live and Let Die (1973)
Earlier in the film, 007 is equipped with a "shark gun" that fires bursts of compressed air. When it comes time to battle Mister Big, Bond feeds the villain an air bullet, transforming him into a disturbingly bloodless human piñata. In a film about voodoo gangsters and bionic henchmen, this scene somehow manages to be the most ludicrous.

2. The Bomb Cake
When: Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
When it comes to clandestine weaponry in Bond movies, an exploding pastry is on the low end of the absurd-o-meter. But all of that changes when James Bond straps the cake to the bad guy's ass and tosses him off a boat.


3. James Bond's Prosthetic Nipple
When: The Man With The Golden Gun (1974)
To imitate the shadowy assassin Francisco Scaramanga, James Bond dons a false third nipple. It brings to mind an image of Q burning the midnight oil in his laboratory, furiously speckling the areola with a paintbrush, restively muttering to himself, "One dimple out of place and he'll be doomed for certain."

4. The Crocodile Submarine
When: Octopussy (1983)
Similarly, one imagines that MI6 is crammed with watercraft shaped like animals. There's a narwhal-shaped kayak, a dugong-shaped canoe, a pair of water skis disguised as moray eels...

5. The Iceberg Boat
When: A View To A Kill (1985)
...and of course the glacier submarine, which has all the amenities of a swiss chalet inside. Seriously, there's cold champagne, strip club seating, and a bored blond field agent inside. I couldn't find the full scene showcasing the craft, so bask in a single second of iceberg boat followed by three solid minutes of Duran Duran.

6. Razor Butterflies
When: A View To A Kill (1985)
No matter how Mythbusters may convince my brain otherwise, my heart roars that Oddjob and his killer bowler hat are the paragon of cinematic realism. Compared to Grace Jones and her deadly Lepidoptera marionette, that is.

7. The Ghetto Blaster
When: The Living Daylights (1987)
Real nice Q, having a laugh about socioeconomic plight in inner city America. Did you know A-Ha performed the title track for The Living Daylights? For real! I kind of like that song, but I sort of wish The Fat Boys sang it instead.

8 & 9. MI6's Indian Hideout Camouflage and Q's Magic Rope
When: Octopussy (1983)
The former is simply and impractically a movie poster. The egg is probably on MI6's face daily, what with people accidentally leaning against it and stumbling upon their spy secrets. Below this HQ, there's probably an entire prison's worth of fruit vendors whose only crime was loitering against the wrong wall.


Also, Q went out of his way to make a high-tech version of a magical device. Is he actually hired at MI6, or does he simply hang around there as the result of some mad scientist community service program? Either way, I'm 100% certain they pay him solely in tea biscuits. (BONUS: James Bond being a pervert, later in the same scene.)


10. The Sleeping Sombrero Machine Gun Trap
When: Moonraker (1979)
Part of me hopes that Q blew most of MI6's R&D budget on this mannequin. He calls London giddy as a schoolboy and they're like, "Fuck us, looks like we'll have to deploy this piece of shit in Oslo, Yellowknife, and Vladivostok."

Top Image: Behind-the-scenes photo of Kananga exploding via Fuck Yeah 007.