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The Cult of Apple Has Officially Lost Its Mind

Image: TwelveSouth
Image: TwelveSouth

There are some Apple fans who have a borderline unhealthy obsession with its products.

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Then there are those who, apparently, get off on that sweet, sweet aroma of a shiny, sexy, freshly-opened Mac. Fear not, cash-strapped computer sniffers, there’s now a candle that will get you that high without having to shell out for a new computer.

I wish I was joking.

According to the product listing, the TwelveSouth “New Mac” candle is 100% soy wax and has scents of “mint, peach, basil, lavender, mandarin, and sage.” I was unaware that Foxconn’s facilities smelled like that. Or Apple stores for that matter.

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If you want to feel even worse about the state of humanity, this $24 candle has already sold out.

TwelveSouth makes some excellent accessories for Apple products—I actually love their stuff—but this is going too far. If you buy this candle you should feel bad.

I would, however, love it if someone made me a candle that smells like the disappointment of Kate Spade still not making a wallet case for the iPhone 7 Plus.

[TwelveSouth h/t 9to5Mac]

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Christina is a senior writer at Gizmodo.

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DISCUSSION

Okay, I know it’s odd, but I adore the smell of new computer equipment. Each time I build a new machine, I take many deep, full breaths of the componentry inside the anti-static bags and clamshell plastic packaging. Then, when it’s all built and you turn the system on, there’s that hit of warm, ionized air, with overtones of outgassing plastic and epoxy, with subtle, steely notes of silicon lubricant coming from the bearings in the case fans. I close all the doors and windows in the room, in those first hours, so that I can get the full effect.

The smell comes around every time the machine warms up, for maybe a couple months after the build, and it’s glorious. Some part of my brain knows that my feelings (when I sense these aromas) are due to the excitement at the performance of the new rig, and the associated smells are indelibly connected to my love of computer hardware, deep within my animal brain. It’s an association my brain is making, nothing more. Yet, it is delicious. It makes my mouth water. If I could afford it, I would likely build a new machine every month. I settle for furtive, secretive trips to my company’s data center, just to truly breathe for a few minutes, every couple weeks.

This candle, whatever blend of fragrances it may feature, cannot hope to duplicate the pure unadulterated pleasure that the smell of new computer hardware provides. It is a failed candle from the very start, before the wick is lit.