The Science of Being in the Friend Zone

It's every nice guy's fear when it comes to a girl that they really like: being put in the friend zone. That invisible walled off space is impossible to break. The alcatraz jail cell of a potential relationship. Once you're in there, all you'll hear about is her love life, her sex life, her boyfriends, her one night stands, etc. But you'll never hear about her and you. It's rough! But what's the science behind it?


Vsauce, the guy who figured out if its mathematically possible to run out of new music, examined the science of the friend zone. Limerence—or the butterflies in the stomach feeling you get when you see someone you like—happens when you're attracted to somebody. It's not there when you're not. Of course, the video goes much deeper than that. After watching it, you'll know scientifically why you ended up in the friend zone. So maybe you can avoid it next time. [YouTube]

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It took me a long long time to learn that a woman decides whether you are in the friend zone or boyfriend material on pretty much the first day, and that's the end of it. It's a chemistry thing. Either it's there or it's not. After that, nothing is going to change. You may THINK it can change, and some women WANT you to think that (so that you hang on and keep giving her attention). But it won't ever change. So don't fool yourself and don't waste your time. Get back out there and look for someone else who wants what you want. If no one seems to want you as a boyfriend, then take a break and work on yourself for a while. Make positive changes that build your confidence and make you more broadly appealing, then go back out there and look again.