Tuck Me Inside the Scorpion Machine

Gif: Cluvens

Reader, if I may, can I bend your ear for a moment?

In the two years I’ve worked for Gizmodo, I have struggled to identify a workstation more sadistic, more unhinged than the 18-million-pixel Craigslist rig that my colleague Tom McKay once reviewed (and for which Gizmodo paid real, actual money—a fact I frankly still find astonishing). But today, Gizmodo’s senior consumer tech editor, Alex “Tiny Hands” Cranz, dropped something in Slack so truly cursed I couldn’t help but appreciate its inherent chaos. Behold: A triple-monitor PC setup inspired but what is inarguably the worst creature on Earth:

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Setting aside for a moment that few of us actually have adequate room in our homes to house such a gaming setup—much less that a reasonable person would want it situated in shared spaces, if for no other reason than the distractions—actually paying for the damn thing is a commitment unto itself.

To get yourself something similar, you’re looking at spending upwards of thousands of dollars. Acer’s similar throne retails for nearly $14,000. My editor Caitlin McGarry found the Cluven one above on Alibaba for $1,900—practically a tenth of the price! Also, incidentally, the exact dollar amount Gizmodo has agreed to pay for a rig of this caliber should this very blog post reach 200 unique comments.

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Rude but fair.
Rude but fair.
Screenshot: Gizmodo

I want to be absolutely clear: I am both horrified and fascinated by the hell chair. And while I can’t imagine that my household would be thrilled to have a trailer-sized scorpion situated in the center of our living room for any prolonged period of time, I must confess that I want desperately to review the rig. Ideally while wearing a full-head Guy Fieri mask.

So here are the rules: No bots (I’m told). One comment per user. Be kind in the comments. Share your preferred/dream setup. And most importantly, please share thoughts and prayers in the event I ever have to build a rig like this in my home.

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DISCUSSION

vsong
Victoria Song

Doing my part to get you this cursed chair on company dime. Bless.