While the 4th season of True Blood had a lot of "precious fairy vagina," and a few great Pam one-liners, it's time to call it what it was, a dud. When the big season finale pits a nightie-wearing ghost grandma against a 50-year-old witch, you've got big trouble in Bon Temps. And don't even get us started on the were-panthers.
Here's why this season was truly the worst of True Blood seasons, and how this show can win back our love in season five. Major spoilers ahead...
Don't get me wrong. I love True Blood. I love each little twisty head sex, each vampire tied to a stake and each burning ha-yuck fest. But as I said before, this show is slowly starting to unravel and just lump schlock on schlock on vampire cock, and we can't breathe! There used to be interesting characters on this series. And there still could be. But first we have to dissect the failures in order to to fix the problems.
De-Fanging Vampire Eric
Why It Sucked: Anyone who read the source material books knew that this moment was a long time coming. And yet, no one suspected that watering down the tall drink of bourbon that is the hungry Vampire Eric would transform him into such a wide-eyed puppy-face boy, content to curl up around Sookie's bedsheets like an old cat. Sure the series tried to show that this giant vampire could still be dangerous (by ripping out a few witchy innards) but Eric never found a way to bridge the gap between Scary Sexy Vampire, and Sweet, Understanding Vampire. There was nothing — I repeat, nothing — sexy about the Thumper's Magical Forest Hump Hump Session of 2011. And when the closeted pervs who need a veneer of "story" to get our weekly vampire mounting fix are slowly starting to lose interest, RED ALERT, RED ALERT True Blood!
How It Can Be Saved: There is nothing that a good bit of tied up stripped in the basement dirty consensual rebound sex can't fix. Just make it dirty, and throw in a few menfolk to spice things up a bit. Talbot was a HUGE hit. And for goodness sakes, forgive Pam already. She's basically become the voice of the audience, listen to her.
Horrible Villains
Why It Sucked: Hey, starting a season after introducing probably one of the best TV villains ever created (Russell Edgington) can't be easy. Plus right before the King of Mississippi there was the even more nefarious — and rife with political metaphor — character, Rev. Steve Newlin. Suffice to say the friendless witch, meth-faced were-panthers and the werewolf with short-man syndrome just didn't live up to their predecessors. They were downright terrible characters, weren't they? Thankfully, and unsurprisingly, everyone was killed off, so we can start anew with folks who are actually frightening.
How It Can Be Saved: It's already in motion, the cliffhangers for the season teased the return of both Edginton and Newlin.
The Show That Cried Cliffhanger
Why It Sucked: Speaking of cliffhangers, as much as I cheered to see the cement tomb of Edgington unearthed, who knows if True Blood will deliver on these promises. Season 3 was littered with BS cliffhangers that never panned out or served to forward the plot. Jessica almost sun-suicided herself (she was saved), Sookie was shot (she was saved), Tommy was roped back into dog fighting (he got out) and in the grand finale Tara was shot (and now we already heard rumors that Tara will be back in some form or another.) Where's the emotional pay out for a show that only lives for the last five seconds of an episode, only to hit the big "fix it" button five seconds into the next?
How It Can Be Saved: The dead should stay that way. Or at the very least, come back to serve a greater purpose. Not to pull a Marnie out of a magic Lafayette.
The Worst Side Plots In True Blood History
Why It Sucked: Oh boy. This certainly put the nail in the coffin for this season of True Blood. We started with fairies throwing light grenades and moved swiftly on to were-panther rape. What. A. Mess. Those plots were then dropped like a hot potato to spend time with Andy Bellefleur and his V-Juice addiction. Everyone loves Andy (he's the best), but we've done the V addict thing before with Jason. He deserves better than this! Then there was a Grandpa and dead people and Scott Foley, a ghost lady who was masquerading as the infinitely more amazing Trash Baby but was just a ghost — it's all over the place.
How It Can Be Saved: Pick one strong side plot and stick with it through the whole season. Treat it like a mystery novel where two separate stories (that couldn't be more different) are suddenly entwined together. Oh and bring Hoyt back as a human being. Not just a punching bag for all the terrible things you haven't had time to do to Terry yet.
Gif via AndBusiness.
No One Is Responsible For Their Actions
Why It Sucked: No one got what was coming to them this season. MAAAAAB was off the hook for light-fruiting grandpa Stackhouse. The were-panthers still exist in their now Jason-populated methtown. And Marnie was allowed to go to heaven — well she yelled "fuck" first, and then was welcomed literally, into open arms. Hours after she STABBED JESUS WITH A KNIFE. Make these people pay for what they did, or don't bother.
How It Can Be Saved: Consequences. There need to be a hell of a lot more consequences. Suck Marnie down into hell. Let Pam eat Tara's girlfriend. Consequences people!
Vampire Politics
Why It Sucked: Who is The Authority and why should we care? For four years the vampires have been prattling on and on about "The Authority." This year we discover that Vampire Bill is King Cool Vampire Bill because of strings he pulled while he was pretending to be punk in England. Great, cool — vampire conspiracies, we like that. Instead we got Nan complaining about all her pressure and how much she hates her job and BTW, there's another vampire conspiracy behind Bill's conspiracy he's been working on that Eric knows about. This is as tedious to watch as it is to type. While Vampire Politics and Vampire Business themselves aren't supremely boring if you're learning something as an outsider (vampires get their teeth pulled out for punishment), but if it's just being used as a vehicle for two characters with gobs of money to complain about their night jobs? Pass.
How It Can Be Saved: Bring out The Authority, or road trip it to another kingdom where the Vampire Politics are strange and interesting.
That's all I can think of for now — I'm sure there was tons more. But, again, I love True Blood. It just seems to have lost its way recently. Certainly bringing back the two best villains from the past seasons was a good move. Let's just hope they actually execute those cliffhangers. Until next year... P.S.: Eric is Evil!