WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, who may or may not have sexual relations with automobiles, appears at the Ecuadorian embassy in London in February 2016 (Photo by Carl Court/Getty Images)

Early this morning, WikiLeaks tweeted and then deleted a strange message that appeared to be a mistake. But the bizarre tweet wasn’t about secret government documents or even a link to hardcore porn. It was something much weirder: A link to an ad for the Ford Raptor pickup truck.

The tweet was sent out around 12:20am ET time and was quickly deleted. The text of the tweet read, “CNN: CIA officers attack Trump after speech at CIA.” But the link directed people to an ad for the Ford Raptor hosted on CNN’s website for a “lean, mean, riding machine.” Innocent mistake? We’ll let you be the judge of that.

The now-deleted tweet sent out by WikiLeaks early Monday morning purporting to be about the CIA and Donald Trump, but linking to an ad for the Ford Raptor (Screenshot)

Most people would probably think that this was all a simple copy and paste error, and that we shouldn’t read anything into it. Mr. Assange, who is widely believed to have almost exclusive control of the WikiLeaks account, was probably directed to that URL mistakenly after watching a different CNN video and tweeted it out by mistake. But as any promoter of the Pizzagate conspiracy will tell you, it’s never that simple.


Pizzagate is the conspiracy theory that a Washington D.C. pizza place called Comet Ping Pong has a secret basement used for child sex slavery and trafficking. The strange and now debunked theory was promoted by WikiLeaks after internet sleuths started connecting the dots in leaked emails from Democrats like John Podesta. Those emails about a local DC pizza place weren’t simply about pizza, the unhinged wingnuts explained. The talk of pizza was all code for pedophilia.

So, using the same logic that WikiLeaks used to promote Pizzagate, what can we deduce from the PickupGate tweet? The only reasonable conclusion must be that Julian Assange is a mechanophiliac, a person who has sex with cars.


Now, hear me out. I know it sounds crazy at first to discover that Julian Assange is a carfucker. Nearly as crazy as a theory that emails about hosting events at a pizza place are all actually code for a child sex ring. But you need to approach this topic with an open mind. All the clues are there if you just open your eyes, sheeple.

On November 8, 2016 WikiLeaks tweeted that Hillary Clinton was “out of touch, cronyistic, didn’t drive a car in 35 years, flew all over the world but accomplished nothing.” Innocuous enough? Sure, on the surface. But why is Assange so concerned about whether Clinton has driven a car? Could he be worried that his perfectly natural car love would be outlawed during a Clinton presidency? The car-sympathy gets even weirder if you dig deeper.


On September 5, 2014, Wikileaks tweeted that “car crime” was “on verge of being decriminalised in UK” while noting that millions of pounds had been spent surveilling Assange. Again, specifically calling out car crime can’t just be a coincidence. Why be so defensive about cars... unless you enjoy rubbing your genitals on them until you climax in an automobile-induced orgy of pistons and tailpipes. It’s all starting to add up.

And on July 15, 2016 WikiLeaks tweeted out an old RT story from 2014 about how police in the European Union wanted every new car to be installed with a “kill switch” to disable the motor functions of people they were pursuing. Why would Assange be concerned about turning off cars? Some people might tell you that it would have something to do with civil liberties. But those people are idiots who simply gobble up whatever the lamestream media feeds them. People who can see behind all the propaganda know the truth: Julian Assange lubes up various parts of automobiles, both interior and exterior, and has sexual relations with them.


Okay, but here’s where it gets really weird. On May 5, 2016 WikiLeaks tweeted about an “expensive car” across from the Ecuadorian embassy in London. The car had the words “cheater” and “it’s over” scrawled all over it in what appeared to be spray paint. “Hope she was worth it!” was also seen on the hood of the vehicle. Why the hell would WikiLeaks be tweeting something like this out? Was Assange mixed up in some car-sex-love-triangle? We’re simply asking questions.

A bizarre tweet from @WikiLeaks about a car near the Ecuadorian embassy in London where the words “cheater” and “it’s over” appear spray painted on the side (Screenshot from Twitter)

But it’s all starting to make sense, and frankly I’m surprised I couldn’t see it before: Julian Assange fucks cars until he spills his seed all over them, hoping to one day produce a human-car hybrid that will finally blow the lid off this whole question about “tribalist establishment climbers.” It makes about as much sense as Pizzagate.

Matt Novak is the editor of Gizmodo's Paleofuture blog

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