Click to viewA Gizmodo reader underwent a vasectomy to get an Apple iPhone, following his wife's orders after a road trip with his kids to Boise, Idaho. But fear not, dear readers-with-your-manly-parts-still-intact, because his amazing tale of heroic Apple fandom doesn't include any Bobbit-style genital violence. Keep reading to know why and the —strange— happy finish.
Mr. Johnson (no, I am not kidding) is a confessed Apple Fanboy. "To the extreme," according to his own words. In January, after years of rumors and speculation, he watched in awe as Apple finally introduced the iPhone to the world, bringing Universal Peace, Health and Happiness to the Galaxy. Or maybe just
a stiffy happiness to people like Sean Johnson. Like many others, he was bewildered by the device. "At last, the holy JesusPhone!" he must have thought at the time. He wanted it. Badly. And, as you probably guessed, here's where our story turns awry.
The bad news was that he already had his budget spent. Yes, even before the iPhone was announced in January, he spent his whole budget for the whole year. The JesusPhone was arriving in six months and he wasn't going to be able to get it. And that, my friends, was dramatic, to say the least.
He was so turned on by the device that his loving wife, God bless her in her infinite patience, told him that he could have an iPhone out of his budget. The only problem: He could only get it when his Sprint contract expired at the end of 2007. That was a whole year of waiting. That meant six months living in angst watching the whole world touching, manhandling, even licking his JesusPhone. Madness, I tell you. That was a completely preposterous proposition to any true Apple fan.
Now fast-forward to June 29th. Sean was on this road trip to Boise with his kids, wife left behind at home taking care of the baby. He arrived at the hotel at 10:50 p.m. and, probably leaving his kids biting Snickers bars and watching TV in his room, he recklessly drove to an AT&T store to check the Advent of the PhoneLord (ok, so maybe it wasn't exactly reckless, but cut me some slack here, will you?) Lo and behold, he raised his holy hand cellphone upon high saying "O iPhone, Son of Steve Jobs, Defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of All California, thou shall be mine!" And there he went, with a new iPhone 4GB in his hands, purchased without Wife Clearance.
Yes, in some parts of the world this probably means getting your genitals completely severed. But not in the good ole U.S. of A. Or maybe not in the case of Sean: He only had to return the iPhone to the store after the Commander in Chief told him that his behavior was absolutely unacceptable. You may have gotten a MessiahPhone, but you are very naughty boy —return it at once! she probably said.
Two days later, she joined him in Denver. He was sad, non-talkative, down, depressed. You know, putting the Bambi Eyes and sighing at the sight of any Apple logo on display. The whole treatment. Noticing it, she broke the question:
— Honey, how badly you want the iPhone?
— Badly —he said, puppy eyes again, no doubt— very badly.
"Would you be willing to finally make that appointment for a vasectomy?" she replied.
What happened then? In Sean's own words:
"I absolutely love my new 8GB iPhone."
[Thanks go to reader Sean Johnson for sharing his Johnson's Adventures]