You have problems. I am the solution. For one hour I will reveal your hidden solutions, shine a revelatory light on life's challenges, and help you determine which phone to buy. In real time. This has begun.
While my oracular acumen is second to only most, I am but a mortal, with only a supermortal's limitation. Thus I may call on you, the audience (or "crowd," if you work as a social marketing bullshitter), for answers that I am too busy, too ignorant-by-choice, or too lazy to answer.
If you have a problem that must be solved in the next 60 minutes, email a succinct encapsulation of your predicament to "email@example.com", where it will be considered and summarily addressed or dismissed.
Gary writes: What to get the missus for Christmas? Here's my dilemma: She needs a new phone and she also needs a new video camera (she already has a digital SLR). My choices are to change her phone contract to upgrade her phone, and Santa brings her an HD Camcorder. Or Santa gets her iPhone 4. Your Test Notes just say: "It has the same problems as other cheap camcorders, of course, like the jelly effect, and nonexistent stabilization."
THE ANSWER FOLLOWS—Does her DSLR not allow her to shoot video? That is the current FANCY JAM of video, because it allows the budding filmdinker to use their expensive camera lenses and make blurry handheld films that are sometimes able to stay in frame for WHOLE SECONDS. (I remain a tremendous fan.)
Buy her the iPhone 4. It will bring her joy every day. Then wait until her birthday and upgrade her DSLR to one that does HD video as well. There is no rush.
Travis writes: I hear a lot about the bounty of Android-based tablets out there. I want one, a nice 10" display to put the iPad to shame. The only problem is, it's really tough to know which ones are ACTUALLY for sale yet! Where's the Archos 101? Dell Slate? I want to buy a 10" android tablet (before Christmas) - tell me which ones are out there, worth buying!
THE ANSWER FOLLOW—Do not buy any Android-tablet that is not the 7-inch Galaxy Tab until after Christmas. It is too late to invest in products that are last-second holiday shopping grabs, especially when the Consumer Electronics Show is just around the corner, where all new products shall be revealed. Plus what about Chrome tablets/netbooks? If you are the sort who are wedded to Android, then perhaps you will want to wait for them.
HERE IS A PICTURE OF MY FATHER IN HONOR OF FATHERS WHO ARE DEMIGODS DAY
An Ambitious Stoner writes: I find the only thing missing from my life and indeed iPhone is an app for firing up my Volcano Digit vaporizer on the way home. Please advise.
THE ANSWER FOLLOWS—While this is an excellent question, there is a severe limitation: The Volcano vaporizer's heating element only begins to warm after you've pressed the big, red button. It does not heat up just because it has been plugged in.
You have TWO POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS: Buy a more simple vaporizer that is essentially a heating element hooked to mains power. (NOT ADVISED, for reasons of BURNING DOWN YOUR YURT.); BETTER SOLUTION: Build a contraption that will press the big, red button. Some sort of robot. If you do not know how to build a robot please consult your vaporizer.
Evan P. writes: Should I get the new BlackBerry Torch or stick with the tride-and-true BlackBerry Bold 9000 with AT&T?
THE ANSWER FOLLOWS—The term is "tried and true." Hence, stick with the Bold and use the money for a Learning Annex class on idioms.
Nick P. writes: I am a longtime follower of gizmodo and have checked it out about 4 times daily for years! I am faced in a huge tech dilemma! I want a video dslr but I also want to have longevity with lenses when I upgrade bodies. I will shoot professionally and will charge clients for services. I will primarily shoot interviews. I have been racking my brain between the canon 60d and the gh2 for months. I will be using it primarily for video but will also be taking it to south america for a wedding and want it to take good photos while I am in Colombia.
THE ANSWER FOLLOWS— The 60D is the kind of dumb camera that Canon releases from time to time just to mess with people's heads. Either consider the T2i for its lightweight body (about half the weight of the 7D) or just get the 7D with all its accompanying niceties for still photography.
Do not buy the GH2 because who buys Panasonic DSLRs besides socialists? We didn't rebuild the economy of Japan just to let them invent cameras without shutters. Also, Canon lenses are cheap and plentiful.
I ASK: Do animated GIFs work on Gawker sites?
THE ANSWER FOLLOWS—
Twanzio writes: I want to propose to my girlfriend but I'm an uninspired loser and can't think of a classy/funny/cool enough way to pop the question. Any suggestions?
THE ANSWER FOLLOWS—You are not ready to be married. Continue in this relationship until it ends or you have found the confidence to concoct your own solution.
David B. writes: I am trying to sell my used 2008 24" iMac 2.8 GHz Core 2 Duo. I have purchased a HP Touchsmart for the holidays and am having trouble selling my iMac. Any ideas on how I might go about doing this? I have tried different websites, such as Gazelle.com, but they all offer way to low. I bought my iMac for around $2,500 and would like at least $1,000 to sell it. I need your opinion/help!
THE ANSWER FOLLOWS—eBay, honkie. No reserve, well-lit picture, cross your finger. Mac resales tend towards health, but eBay is the arbiter of such things.
IN THE FUTURE you should sell your Macs each year to stay best in the curve. Think of it as your yearly Mac rental fee.
Dan M. writes: Why is it that having a cold, cheap beer after a bad day at the office is more enjoyable than sipping on a delicious Microbrew? Don't get me wrong, I enjoy drinking a real beer when downtown with the friends or grilling in the back yard but there are times when drinking a flavorful and/or unique beer sounds worse than cracking open a Coors. A bad day at work just happens to be one of them.
Does this mean my beer sense is dying or that I have become more mature since my college days?
THE ANSWER FOLLOWS—This is an EXCELLENT OBSERVATION, Dan M. You should take this as a SIGN OF MATURITY.
There is a truth of which all are aware but many relegate to the swirling subconscious vacuum of pinging taste buds to hide behind well-intentioned but sinister affectations. This is the maxim: THE FIRST TASTE OF ANY BEER IS BETTER THAN ANY OTHER TASTE OF ANY OTHER BEER.
This is because the first sip of beer is approached with a tongue and mouth-parts swaddled in the iron-tang of workplace stress compounded by a oxidizing catalyst of a lack of beer. It is known that MAN'S MOUTH EVOLVED PRIMARILY TO TASTE BEER and, when deprived of its native state, will begin to coat itself in a protective chitin made of the emulsified dreams of youth and (mostly) saliva.
Therefore when you first taste beer your are not tasting simply barley tonic but the EJECTING OF THE NON-BEER STATE, which is quantifiably better than any other beer can possibly ever taste. To put it in an equation, $ANYBEER is better than !$THEBESTBEERINTHEWORLD.
Two of the best beers I have ever consumed: A BUDWEISER delivered to Algiers, New Orleans two weeks after slogging in post-Katrina wreckage without a drop of liquor, let alone beer; a COORS with a label faded from the sun I found floating unopened in a Missouri stream on a canoe trip on which I had neglected to pack any beer.
Joaquin R. writes: What should I get as my first smartphone? iPhone 4 or Galaxy S? I live in Perú, and the prices here are almost the same for both. I'm mostly concerned about support. Also I work on IT, and know my way around programming languages. Which phone will let me take the most advantage of its qualities?
LA RESPUESTA SE DESPRENDE—Get the Galaxy S, for thou art a nerd and it is a nerdly power phone.
Brock_Lee writes: Is there a way to make my iPod touch (which is a computer) retrieve podcasts in the same way that my "computer" does?
My computer, when facilitated with an internet connection, checks for new podcasts (AT THE HOST SERVER) at a given interval, automatically. I want my iPt to do this. Not sync to my computer over wifi, not require that I manually request each new podcast individually and not treat each podcast download as a new "purchase" thus requiring iTunes acct. login. Just do the same thing that my "other" computer does?
THE ANSWER FOLLOWS—Buy the Podcaster app for $2.
Barbarossa writes: I have a bunch of hard-drives, in (non-working) workstations and laptops. (IDE) What is the cheapest, most effective way of connecting these to a working system, so I can pull off data then clear them?
THE ANSWER FOLLOWS—Buy this USB to SATA/IDE cable for $10.80, shipped. (Use the money you receive from blackmailing previous hard drive owners to recoup the expense.)
IN 2003 THE NANODORK WAS HEWN FROM ATOMIC DUST.
Joseph writes: There's a girl who sits in front of me in one of my college classes that I like, but I'm shy and don't know what to do. I haven't really talk to her much before. Any ideas?
THE ANSWER FOLLOWS—NEVER SPEAK TO HER. It is commonly accepted that the best way to meet women is to say "Hello!" or "Hey, what's up?" or to make a "joke" but this is DANGEROUS ADVICE, because it is rarely followed with what one should say when FUCK TARGET ALPHA responds.
INSTEAD LEARN TO DRAW. Then leave cartoons on her desk before she arrives for class that reveal the smoldering resentment you have felt for her and her gender and all it archetypally represents in the SWEATY, FRIGID LONELINESS that is human existence. WOMEN LOVE ARTISTS.
IT IS FINISHED.