Attenshun, Apple fans! Are you going to buy an Apple Watch? Shut up. I know you are. It is superfluous if you have an iPhone but fuck it—if Tim Cook can't live without it neither can you. YOU MUST GET IT. There is only one true, big, hairy but: Battery life will suck flea-infested monkey balls. Don't worry, I'm here to fix that.

Apple claims that, with typical use, it will last 18 hours.

Fact: Everyone knows it will be much less. And as time goes by, battery life will degrade—by the end of its first year, it will last something like 1.5 hours. That's why you will need THIS APPLE WATCH BATTERY BRACELET I JUST INVENTED. Each bracelet will give you six hours of Apple Watch time. Seven maybe. I don't know. I'm just pulling this technical information out of Phil Schiller's butt. It's a nice butt.

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Get the watch. Then get a couple of these bracelets.

Now send me your money. Thanks. [Don't send me your money, but go read Sploid]