The friending, the liking, the status updating: Sooner or later we all grow to hate it, but we can’t stop.
Facebook is made up of those dinner party guests who just won’t leave even though it’s late and everyone else left two hours ago. After a while, everything anyone does on Facebook becomes irritating.
With that in mind, here are a hundred people I hate on Facebook (edited down from my original list of 500 million).
People who have the new profile
People who still have the old profile
People who are always on Facebook
People who show up once a month and think they have the right to chime in
People who check-in
People who have a birthday today
People who friend everybody
People who only friend people they know well
People who friend me.
People who share their travel plans by listing the airport codes of the two cities separated by a little arrow. Goto —> hell
People who think it’s about the journey
People who think “LOL!” counts as quality feedback
People who think elaborating on a joke is the same as making a joke
People who complain about their relationships
People who try convince us their relationships are totally awesome
People who change their relationship status before telling me their relationship status has changed
People who “like” my wife (keep your thumbs-up away from my woman)
People who announce they’re going to be offline for awhile
People who play Farmville
People who complain about people who play Farmville without first seeing how irritating it is for themselves
People you who regularly tag you in their photo albums when it’s clearly a good photo of them and a bad photo of you
People who share party photos with people who weren’t invited to the party
People who post personal messages publicly (“Great seeing you last night!”)
Attractive people who aggressively share photos
People who post happy messages in the morning
People who are selling something
People who use Facebook to promote their company
People who use it for personal reasons
People who use it for political reasons
People who are overly enthusiastic about my updates
People who ignore my updates
People who share articles I’ve already seen
People who share articles I might have otherwise missed
People who comment on the Facebook blurb about an article without actually reading the article
People who never comment about anything
People who post their tweets to Facebook
People who focus on superficial things
People who use Facebook to discus anything of meaning
People who post mysterious status updates in an effort to get others to comment: “OMG, what do you mean? Everything OK?”
People who comment: “OMG, what do you mean?”
People who respond to rhetorical statements
People who just changed their profile photo
People who were hot as hell in seventh grade but who never share any current photos (and never apologize for ignoring you in Junior High)
People who were ugly in junior high and resent those who at least were attractive for a while
People who see child abuse as a serious problem and then who think: “Maybe a cartoon avatar would help?”
People to whom I am clearly superior but who think I should make the first friending move
Inferior People who dare to send a friend request
People who in 2007 said, “Facebook has peaked, what’s the next thing?”
People who are too old for this stuff
People who are too young for this stuff
People who think they’re the first ones to say, “I wish FB had a hate button.”
People who are overly nice
People who share joy
People who I’ve known since childhood
People I just met.
People who complain
People with ugly kid photos
People whose kids are more photogenic than mine
People who try to chat even though we haven’t seen each other for five years
People who try to chat even though we talk everyday
People who try to chat
People who go offline when I try to chat with them
People who poke me.
People who wish me happy birthday on Facebook
People who don’t
People who see you in person and then repeat the same story they already posted to Facebook and then just stand there until you say, “OK, like.”
People who post what they just ate or anything about their digestive system
People who share their exercise routine
People who share their schedule
People who share
People who try to be clever
People who try to be funny
People with the best of intentions
People who are thoughtful
People who type before thinking
People who complain about changes made to Facebook
People who passively agree to changes on Facebook
People who refuse to use Facebook because everyone else is using it
People who use the @ sign even though that only works on another site
People who think “I made some changes to my profile page” is a valid answer to the question: “What did you do today?”
People you don’t know comment on photos of your family members
People who ask favors
People who share that they are sick, feel good, can’t sleep or just woke up
People who post about the weather
People who mention anything related to Burning Man
People who share stuff that everyone in the world has already seen, get no response, and then share it again
People who aren’t sure about a joke they want to make and so they preface it with: “Overheard:”
People who use the phrase “note to self” anywhere other than in the silent privacy of their own mind
People who write wonderful things about their new boyfriend even though we can all see that the dude is a chump and the same person will be writing terrible things about him in a few months and then expecting us to be surprised and supportive
People who think mentioning something about Darfur is going to somehow benefit the People in Darfur because every little bit counts
People who can’t accept that not all cats are cute and/or interesting
People who believe that you’ll be happy about their good fortune
People who are wildly uninteresting and painfully unfunny yet have a lot more friends than I do
People who write the phrase: “Um…OK”
People who post song lyrics
People who share YouTube videos that have already been viewed 400 million times
People who make snarky comments about Sarah Palin
People who are Sarah Palin
People who stay on Facebook even though they hate everyone on it
People who use Friendster
Dave Pell is an internet addict, early adopter and insider. He blogs regularly at Tweetage Wasteland.
Illustration by contributing illustrator Sam Spratt. Check out Sam’s portfolio and become a fan of his Facebook Artist’s Page.
https://gizmodo.com/meet-our-contributing-illustrator-sam-spratt-5620127
