A Last-Minute Gift Guide of Items Currently in My Bedroom

Illustration for article titled A Last-Minute Gift Guide of Items Currently in My Bedroom

Oh no. Your Big Holiday Event is just a day/hour/30 minutes ago away, and you have yet to pick up an appropriate gift. One option is to try to find a 24-hour drug store. Another is murder-suicide. Don't bother! I'm sure I have something.


A book

Don't take any of the ones I haven't read yet. Or any of the ones I like. Here is Chuck Klosterman's entire literary catalog from my time as an asshole in high school. You can put it in a box and present it as a set. No, I don't have a box, but here's a copy of Infinite Jest. Its pages have never been touched by human hands.

A gently used candle and lighter set

Prometheus sacrificed everything to gift man with fire; don't let his eternal suffering have been in vain . This one is lemon verbena. It smells like the Olive Garden and crayons.

A 2007 Nikon Coolpix (pre-loaded w/ photos of me and my friends)

This camera got me through my senior year of high school and the entirety of college. Your giftee's smartphone camera is probably better at this point, but hey—retro! Also, his or her smartphone presumably did not come with photos of 17-year-olds drinking in parking lots. Photos they'll be able to see if they can find the charger. I sure can't.


Four (4) empty journals

Every six months or so, I decide to start writing things in journals. I have never once written anything in a journal. Which, fortunately for our giftee-to-be, hasn't stopped me from buying a new notebook every time the mood strikes. Here are four. They'll go nicely with these pens from the week I decided that I was into pens.


Please don't go into my closet

Thank you.

A completed Paint by Numbers portrait of Jesus

Illustration for article titled A Last-Minute Gift Guide of Items Currently in My Bedroom

After breaking my leg senior year of college, I spent three weeks immobilized. The selection at Michael's was limited, and it was either Christ or a dolphin. I have an irrational disdain for dolphins. The painting doesn't have a frame, but feel free to take some thumbtacks. (Important note: The comedic value of the drawn-on "YOLO" speech bubble has significantly diminished over time. Will likely continue to do so.)

A $30 gift card to Borders in a Barnes & Noble envelope

This unlikely pair was discovered in the bottom of my suitcase and is your most high risk/high reward option. On the one hand, judging from the envelope alone, it appears that you put enough thought into the gift to make a pre-meditated purchasing decision. On the other, should they ever look inside, Borders does not exist. Best used aspirationally for babies and the otherwise illiterate.


A smile

It's the least you can do after handing someone literal garbage.



Der Sportwagoner

That lamp...I've seen it before.