For the second time in the past few months, Americans went to the polls and voted in a way that will have half the country scratching its heads. Kicking the classic boot, wheelbarrow, and thimble tokens to the curb, the nation has chosen to replace those classic Monopoly tokens with a rubber ducky, a penguin, and a T-rex.
Throughout the month of January, anyone with an internet connection and an opinion (which is everyone with an internet connection) had the opportunity to vote to either keep the eight current Monopoly tokens, or select from over 50 replacements.
Somehow, only three of the classic Monopoly tokens were voted out. Even that new cat from a few years ago made the final cut. Of all the new token options to vote for, the T-rex was obviously the best choice, so thankfully families will have a fantastic opportunity to get into violent fights over who gets to play with the dinosaur.
But the penguin? And a rubber ducky? That’s an incredible missed opportunity. Even the 1990s bulky cellphone would have been a better choice. So the next time Monopoly lets its fans vote to revamp the game, here are some handy suggestions for new tokens.
- A tiny version of the Monopoly board: Everyone liked that Inception movie.
- Dumpster fire: To commemorate 2016 to 2024.
- Nuclear missile: A hotel can’t collect rent when you land on it and annihilate it, right?
- Scrabble ‘Q’ tile: The only time you’d ever get to play it.
- 3D Printer: Finally useful for something.
- Soylent bar: Monopoly games can often last for hours. Gotta keep your energy up! And also possibly shit yourself.
- Hoverboard: Slightly more useful than that single, laceless boot.
- Eggplant: What? It’s just a vegetable.
- A very tiny pair of mittens: Make America great again!
- Google Glass: Like the thimble, you need at least one token no one wants to use.