Brian Barrett

Steve Ballmer Has Gotten Much, Much Better at Microsoft Ads

This is Steve Ballmer, 2012, pitching Windows Phone 8 with serenity, emotion, and conviction. It’s pretty good! Below is Steve Ballmer, 1986, hawking Windows 1.0 to an unsuspecting public with enough verve and spittle to wake (and terrify) the dead. It’s pretty awful! So well done, Steve Ballmer. A few more years and you’ll be…

Here’s How Much Worse Hurricane Sandy Is Than Irene (Hint: Much, Much Worse)

Even though this summer’s Hurricane Irene left dozens dead and caused billions of dollars of damage, there was an inescapable consensus that it didn’t quite live up to the hype. As you can see above, meeting expectations appears to be the one thing we don’t have to worry about with Sandy. https://gizmodo.com/hurricane-irene-mostly-a-storm-of-hype-updated-5835173 We’ll continue updating…

Finally, Google Doodles Bob Ross, America’s Favorite Doodler

It’s about time Google Doodles doodled the doodle king. Bob Ross, whose palette and afro invaded our living rooms for decades of insta-nature art adventures, graces the search giant’s home page today. Ross, for those not familiar, combined a soothing tone, steady hand, and incongruous haircut worked spent decades working his canvas magic on public…

Apple Earns $8.2 Billion by Selling Nearly 30 Million iPhones, 14 Million iPads, and a Couple of iPods

At least someone made money today. Apple reported earnings of $8.2 billion on $36 billion in sales today, buoyed by strong acceptance of the iPhone 5 and the total lack of public interest in any tablet that’s not an iPad. https://gizmodo.com/amazon-somehow-lost-274-million-selling-13-8-billion-5954990 While Apple didn’t break out how many of each kind of iPhone it sold,…

Amazon Somehow Lost $274 Million Selling $13.8 Billion Worth of Stuff

If you thought Amazon’s prices seemed too good to be true, well, it turns out they might be—for Amazon, at least. The company managed to turn $13.8 billion of revenue into a $274 million loss this past quarter. And while a big chunk of that was due to losses at LivingSocial and foreign-exchange rates, all…

Windows 8 users will at least have stuff to read at launch; Conde Nast is launching New Yorker, Wired, etc. tonight.

You can’t buy Windows 8 until tomorrow, but if you want to follow along with Microsoft’s launch carnival, head here now!

Apple Is a Follower

Apple never wanted to make the iPad Mini. It was forced to, by an army of tiny tablets laying successful siege to its empire. The company’s conceded a lot of ground to Amazon and Google already. And it’s not the first time this year it’s had to play catch-up. https://gizmodo.com/there-will-never-be-a-7-inch-ipad-5667101 With every new release, it…

Skype 6 is here for Windows and Mac, with retina support, better Facebook integration, and just as many awkward chats.

Girlfriend Body Pillow Update: Now $12, Still Terribly Sad

It’s been a while since we checked in on the Deluxe Comfort Girlfriend Body Pillow, but we can now confirm that it is still available from Sears. And despite receiving a 20% price bump from $10 to $12, it’s still the saddest, most inexplicable human being substitute you can buy. https://gizmodo.com/girlfriend-body-pillow-the-saddest-place-to-lay-your-h-5521307 This has been your…

The iPad Mini Seems Crazy Expensive

There’s almost no question that the iPad Mini is a terrific device; it’s got too much pedigree and money behind it to be anything else. But barring some sort of miracle from on Ive, it’s also certifiably overpriced. And that’s a bad sign for Apple. At first blush, the iPad Mini has a lot to…

Our iPad Mini Apple Event Liveblog Bonanza Kicks Off RIGHT NOW

Starting right now, Apple will finally lift the veil on its iPad Mini, lock in new iTunes goodies, and maybe intro a new iMac. And we’ll be covering it all right here. https://gizmodo.com/ipad-mini-rumor-roundup-everything-we-think-we-know-u-5948203 While you may think you know what the iPad Mini looks like by now, nothing’s official until Tim Cook waves it around…

The Apple Store Is Down As a Nation Trembles in Confusion and Fear

Much like the eclipses of old would rattle the marrow of the ancients, the online Apple Store has traded its wares for a parading GIF of away multilingual away messages and left us all existentially afeared. Apple! Apple! Why have you forsaken us?!?!?!?!? Oh, wait what’s that? Small iPads? Some other stuff? Oh, right. Sorry,…

Google Maps has added 25 million new building footprints, because you were just looking for a reason to miss it more.

Kids Suspended for Finding Teacher’s Dirty Pics on School iPad

As a teacher, what you do with your time and your iPhone camera and your body outside of school are your own business. But if you do happen to take sexxxy pictures of yourself at home, it may not be the best idea to upload them to iCloud. Why not, you ask. Because if you…

This Fanged Throat-Mouth Horror Lady Already Won Halloween

Sorry, kids. Pack it up. Those little wings do make you look like a fairy, and the wand is a nice touch, but we decided not to have the costume contest this year. Why not? Oh, because this zombie venom throat-mouth is the most ridiculous thing we’ve ever seen. Still don’t believe me? Okay, then.…

Why Color Still Matters

You can watch this video one of two ways: First, for the delightful dive into the under-appreciated world of color, the hues that shape the world around us. Or, if you’re feeling snarky on this glorious Friday morning, as one terrific send-off for the overhyped trainwreck that was Color, the social media network no one…

What Was Life Like Before iPhones?

Our children won’t know what life was like before smartphones took over our every waking hour. But when you inevitably try to gather them around to tell them about all the time we spent not staring at screens? Well, as Doghouse Diaries points out, good luck with that: I guess it’s only fair, given how…

Microsoft Earnings Lag as Everyone Waits for Windows 8

Just like people didn’t buy iPhones before the latest generation came out, people held off on Microsoft products in light of the upcoming Windows 8 debutante ball. That translated to a disappointing quarter for Redmond, and underscored just how much the company has riding on its massive desktop transformation. The computing gigantor tallied up $16…

Google Spills Earnings Early, Made Way Less Money This Quarter Than Everyone Thought

It’s easy to get caught up in the Wall Street expectations game, under whose rules Google just had a disastrous third quarter. But while earnings were down significantly year over year, and were well below analyst expectations, the company still hauled in over two billion dollars of income on $14.10 billion of revenue. That’s got…