Ey, I’m a Real New Yawka, So Heah’s What I Think About Da Phone Bagel Pictchas

Screenshot: Emojipedia

Ey, I’m Mista Real New Yawka from Da Big Apple, da biggest city in da whole woild. I tawk like “dis” and rememba da good old days when Ess-A-Bagel had da best bagel in da City and you’d neva eva think about gettin dat inna tube from da wiseguys at Stawbucks.

I heah dese kids on da Innanet is tawkin about da emoticon pictchas my wife always sends me on my Innanet Phone since one of dem looks like a bagel. I couldn’t believe da asshole phone guys didn’t just cawl me, Mista Real New Yawka, Family Man and Bagel Expoit, to give dem my opinion. But Vinny and da guys at da VFW asked me my opinion so I’m gonna tell you what I think about da bagel drawins.


I just found out dat Google, da website wheah I find all da pictchas in my “Not For Donna” folda, made a bagel pictcha a theah own. It doesn’t have dat real shine like da bagels I get at da Bagel Bonanza in Midwood, but I love da looka da seeds. It’s got a real thick schmea too but I don’t like how yella it is. Whose kid left da cream cheese out? I give dis one three outta five egg creams.

Wat da fuk is dis. Who da hell drawed dis shit. I would neva eva eva eat dis pigeon shit bagel. It looks like dose “bread bowls” Donna and her friends eat afta canasta Thoisdays. You eva bring a bagel like dat into MY house and I’ll hit you whea it hoits. I’ll toss ya right into da Coney Island Creek. I’ll tie ya to da caw and drag ya down toity-toid street. You don’t wanna know what else I’ll do. Wat? Dis is from Twitta? MY President, Donny “New Yawk’s Finest” Trump’s website? Oh no... oh no... I’m gonna need a minute...


Micrasoft, huh? Dey make a good computa. I still play free cell on my Windas 98 every night to calm my noives. But dey definitely don’t know a rat’s ass about a real slicea New Yawk bagel. I coulda drawed dis one in Micrasoft Paint. It looks like da New Yawk Pavillion from da Woild’s Faiah. Fuhgeddabout it! I give dis one half a ride on Deno’s Wonda Wheel.


Samsung? Moah like Sam “Couldn’t-tell-a-bagel-from-a-donut.” Who is deeze guys anyway. No schmeah. No shine. No seeds. Probably made by some gabbagools from New Joisey. I’m not wastin my time on this loada CRAP. One trash can full o Nathan’s Hot Dog vomit on da fifth a July.


Donna says dis is da one alla da kids is gettin mad about from da company dat made her Innanet Phone. It looks like somethin I’d buy at Costco. It looks like somethin I’d buy at Key Food. Dis is wat happens when a coupla guys come in heah who’d neva even set foot in MY CITY and make like dey know bagels. Its not MY NEW YAWK BAGEL. Have dey evah been to H+H? Have dey evah been to Bagel Hole? Bagel Dave’s? Donny’s Bagel’s? Levi and Son’s Bagelrama? It’s despicable. I give dis one a glass o da black mayonnaise from da Gowanus canal.


Aha! Look at dat schmeah! Look at dat shine! Da textsha! Dat’sa what I’m tawkin about baby! How Sweet It Is! Yea I wish it had some seeds, but DATS da kinda bagel dat makes you feel like yous is walkin heah, ladies and gentlemens. What?! Youse is tellin me dat came from da same people who made da last bagel? Dey changed it cuz da kids got mad? Wow. Dats civic engagement. I always said da kids is da futah. I always said dat. Dis is da Empire State Buildin a Bagels. God Bless Joe DiMaggio. God Bless New Yawk.



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About the author

Ryan F. Mandelbaum

Science writer at Gizmodo | I like physics and eating