Give Me Control of the Weather Weapons, You Cowards

President Joe Biden must immediately grant me access to the weather weapons if he is serious about stopping climate change.

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A closeup of Infowars host and conspiracy theorist Alex Jones as he speaks outside of the Dirksen building on Capitol Hill in Washington.
Photo: Jose Luis Magana (AP)

It has come to Earther’s attention that the U.S. apparently has weather weapons. Noted chumbox enthusiast Alex Jones spent a recent episode of his eponymous show shedding light on the U.S.’s long history of developing and using them.

Here’s the transcript via Media Matters:

“So, they just think you’re stupid and they don’t want you knowing they are doing all of this, and they’ve got carbon systems they are putting in, that big, huge geoengineering systems, terraforming systems that are sucking carbon dioxide out of the air when it’s a trace gas that we need, and was hundreds of times higher millions of years ago than it is now. That’s why plants and animals were so much bigger and healthier. But we’ve adapted to live in less air. This is insane, ladies and gentlemen.”


“So the question is, did they use weather weapons to cause the tornadoes?” Jones, a man known for “just asking questions,” mused later in the program. “That’s a legitimate question to ask.”

The thing is, Jones clearly answered that question in the first part of the segment. How could the government forecast deadly tornadoes with such accuracy if it didn’t know they were coming? Makes you think. Other known patriots such as Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene have also shed light on these weather weapons used for violent ends.

There is only one answer to what to do next. Joe Biden must give me the weather weapons, effective immediately.

Why should I be trusted with the chemtrail launchers and space lasers? An excellent question, one I think my body of work at this very site answers. But should you not want to read 1,000-plus stories, the answer, in short, is that I understand the threats these “huge geoengineering systems” pose—and how to use them for good.


If Jones and his ilk are to be believed (they are not), weather weapons have been used far too often to destroy people’s lives. But why not use the space lasers for good? What if instead of igniting fires to burn down towns or clear land for high-speed rail, we used them to create backfires to protect towns? (And hey, if it carves a path wide enough for high-speed rail, well, that’s a side benefit.)

Instead of filling the atmosphere with toxic chemtrails to spawn tornadoes, what if we used them to break up storms. “Former” President Donald Trump once reportedly asked about nuking a hurricane. But there’s no need to rely on such unproven technology when we apparently have the weather weapons already there to stir up storms. Just set those hurricane juice cannons to reverse. Boom, problem solved.


If this fearsome display of logic is not enough to convince Biden that I deserve to have my finger on the weather weapon button, allow me to offer another, purely political play. “Climate” “advocates” have repeatedly noted the president has a spotty record on addressing “climate change,” what with the oil leasing and whatnot. Some may want to see Biden sign a Build Back Better bill with strong climate provisions. But waiting on Sen. Joe Manchin to deliver victory is a risky proposition.

A more straightforward path for Biden to improve his standing with environmentalists and pick up those sagging approval ratings is handing over what I can only assume is a nuclear football-like suite of controls for the weather to me. I’m committed to ending climate change, including using chemtrails, terraforming, and other means at the government’s disposal.


Surely Jones and Taylor Greene would like to strip President Joe Biden and his evil cabal of their weather weapons, terraforming powers, and so forth. But giving the power to zap the weather at a moment’s notice to the right person would make so much more sense. I know I am that person. As someone who isn’t a politician, I have no horse in the game. While I do still have student loan debt, I am otherwise free of the influence of special interests and the Rothschild family. My only goal is fixing the weather for all. We may have “adapted to live in less air,” but I promise I will use the weather weapons to right-size the amount of air on Earth and ensure big and healthy animals.

Give me the weather weapons.