Today, Facebook laid out its earnings report. Mark Zuckerberg also announced that he is God.
“While helping to connect the world will always be the most important thing I do, there are more global challenges that I feel a responsibility to help solve,” God wrote in a blog post accompanying Facebook’s earnings, which totally crushed it by the way. “Like helping to cure all diseases by the end of this century, upgrading our education system so it’s personalized for each student, and protecting our environment from climate change.”
Meanwhile, God also announced plans to consolidate Facebook shares so that He’d retain primary control over the tech giant even while vanquishing the Earth of every scourge Mere Mortals Hath Wrought Upon Our Flesh.