New Weapon Against Hippies: Wi-Fi

Illustration for article titled New Weapon Against Hippies: Wi-Fi

The town of Glastonbury is overrun with hippies, drawn there by the healing energies in the area. Which have been destroyed by the town's new Wi-Fi network, apparently making them all sick.

Wi-Fi, the hippies whine, screws with your chakra and "breaks ley lines," whatever the hell that means, making hippies sick. In response, they've deployed orgone generators (this sound like Scientology to anyone?), which can normally dispel even the bad vibes from nuclear power plants. Against Wi-Fi, however, they are apparently powerless.

For proof of the hippies' ridiculousness, the Inquirier turns to Dr. Eric de Silva, a physicist at Imperial College London, who reminds everyone that there no study has ever found evidence connecting Wi-Fi to bad health. I don't know why they talked to a physicist (wouldn't a medical doctor know better), but I mean, I'm around Wi-Fi all day, and I'm fine, I think. [Inquirer]

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Found a great site about making orgone generators. It's metal flakes mixed with epoxy, stuck to a board. Mmmm. Hi tech! Here's a quote from the instruction page, just to reassure fellow readers that this has nothing to do with scientology:

"We were getting pretty hammered by aliens when we first started using the (orgone generator), and were fairly at our wits' end trying to find ways to neutralize their attacks. I won't go into the details, but some of you resonate to what I'm saying here.

We'd been using the mobius coil in our Terminators for about six months at that point, and had put a very large mobius coil in the energized grid in the floor of the Zapporium and noticed that as long as we were inside, with the frequency generator turned on at 15Hz, we couldn't be touched. It came to a head, though, when a Draconian overlord talked Carol into having a telepathic dialogue, which he apparently assumed was an invitation to enter the Zapporium, which he did.

We were in bed, which is the Zapporium's floor, and I was awake, looking at Carol beside me. I saw the transparent visage of a Draconian as he sort of eased into Carol's body, like a movie special effect. I was astonished to see that his/her face looked just like Richard Gephardt's if you were to stretch it lengthwise. I woke Carol from her trance and we both agreed that it wasn't a good idea for her to 'dialogue' with this person, as he/she was fundamentally untrustworthy at this point."