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You decide to bring back the Macworld keynote for the year 2010, despite having previously backed out of it. You end up giving a slightly above average presentation, only stumbling twice due to technical difficulties: once with yet another Flickr integration demo, and once when Steve Jobs booed you from the audience. As a cost-cutting…
The public eats it up. You’re hailed as the next Steve Jobs. Everybody loves you…except the real Steve Jobs. He invites you over to his house to congratulate you on your newfound success. To your chagrin, he rigged a pit in his driveway. Turn to page 88.
Surprisingly enough, everyone is happy buying incremental upgrades of your older products, and as a benefit of the economy recovering and the Christmas season, your stuff sells just as well as if you had released something new. Kudos to you sir. Turn to page 52.
Your Reality Distortion Field works better than you expected. Not only are the muggers incapacitated, they drool enthusiastically and whisper amongst themselves about your upcoming products. You slink away into the night. After refining your RDF to work on an auditorium-sized area, you take the stage at WWDC, the annual conference for Mac developers, investors,…
You stand unblinking, knife dripping with blood, above a dead 15-year-old Hitler. You have done what so many before you couldn’t (including Tom Cruise, whose recent movie was an autobiographical account of his own attempt). Suddenly, you feel your facial hair slowly sprouting, and one testicle slowly shrinking away to nothing. You rush to a…
Months pass without any major incident. You release updates such as the iPhone 3G, with 128GB of flash memory, front-facing camera, iChat support, cut & paste, but shorter battery life. Some people like it, some people don’t. It’s the usual. However, on March 17 2010, medical researchers discover an ailment called aluminum poisoning, caused by…
Apple engineers are ready to release OS XI, but they need to come up with a theme for each point release, similar to the “big cats” motif of OS X. You choose… • Housecats. Turn to page 75. •: To steal Windows 7’s source code instead and release it to and see if fans will…
Bullets only make Steve Ballmer angrier. Turn to page 20.
The Sony laptop battery explodes in a surprisingly large detonation, which creates a pit in the ground underneath you and the attackers. You barely manage to avoid falling in and get away before the police show up. Narrowly escaping with your life has made you decide to give up your mantle and go back to…
As a result of your John Mayer love, he wins every single category in the 2011 Grammys, including newly-introduced awards such as “Best single by John Mayer”, “Album most likely made by John Mayer”, “Best Latino Female artist” and surprisingly, “Best music video not starring John Mayer.” You receive half your share of his profits,…
Steve Jobs wags his finger at you in great disappointment. “I still have stock in this company, asshole,” he exclaims. “How dare you give away free money. And don’t think I don’t have any pull left.” Things don’t look good for you, the now-interim CEO of Apple. You have one last chance to make things…
Sales plummet as dog owners switch to Ubuntu or Windows 7, and cat owners are embarrassed to be seen buying OS XI Scottish Fold. The situation is made worse by the fact that all the icons on the Dock are replaced with pictures of cats, and the “Welcome” intro movie is a fifteen minute home…
The time travel worked, but not in the way you anticipated. Instead of sending your whole body back in time, the iTime has implanted your consciousness into the mind of Steve Jobs. You are now Steve Jobs. For the next 30 years, you try to reenact Jobs’ life as best you could from what little…
Portable, convenient and deadly; the iPod Shuffles make quick work of the muggers. As in, they’re dead, and now you’re a murderer. You flee the country with $25,000,000 in cash and whatever office supplies you could fit into your pockets. You manage to eek out a living serving as CEO of a small Chinese electronics…
To try and boost the stock, you need to choose one of your many products to reveal for Christmas 2009. You choose to release… • A touchscreen MacBook with free unlimited 3G connectivity. Turn to page 7. • An iPod Nano in thirty-seven new colors, including blue green, blue-ish green, maroon and chartreuse. Turn to…
Angry stockholders chase you out of 1 Infinite Loop, where you’ve just resigned in shame. On your way home, you fall into a pit and die. THE END Back to the start? Image credit kingburgundy
You fall into a pit and die. THE END. Back to the start? Image credit kingburgundy
You fall into a pit and miraculously live! Unfortunately, Steve Ballmer also falls into the pit after you. The impact knocks you unconscious, but by some act of God, you’re still alive (apparently Ballmer is not hungry). As you grasp desperately at the last meager strands of life, a shark comes and eats you both.…
After branching out from consumer electronics to artificial intelligence and human-machine-interactions, Apple became a mainstay in the military industrial complex in the year 2023. Starting in the year 2030, US soldiers wear Apple-branded robo-suits designed to protect, insulate, regulate and reward them on the field. All goes well until the enemy realizes that the glowing…
In a blog post, Dell VP Bob Pearson outlines his views on Apple’s environmentally-focused MacBook ads, and dismisses Apple’s claims as rhetoric rather than action. He also blasts Apple for their lack of transparency. Referring to this ad, Pearson throws down the gauntlet on Apple’s commitment to the environment. He says Apple has not participated…