Illustration for article titled Xtensor Improves Gamer Skills, Creates Lush Head of Hair for Mary Palm

The Xtensor is marketed as a tool to better your gamer skillz, but come on. Let's get serious. Mary Palm and her five friends just got a little hotter, didn't they?


What? Too crass? Fine then, this thing also helps alleviate tennis elbow and arthritis pain, thanks to what its designers call "true biomechanical correctness." Consider my toilet humor balanced out with some real-world health care applications.

[Xstensor is] able to stimulate muscles and tendons in the hands, wrists and elbows that have been virtually off limits to all other devices. Repetitive gripping and squeezing of your game-controller or mouse forces extended isometric contractions of the flexor muscles of the hands and fingers producing an unnatural imbalance over time as the hands operate in a mostly closed position.


This repetitive "gripping and squeezing" is also known as "gaming claw," which is what happens when chronic masturbaters blame video games for their ailment so as to avoid ridicule from friends. [Xtensor OhGizmo]

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