Happy Birthday, iPod: Top Ten Reasons Why I Hate You

Hey, today's the iPod's fifth birthday, born October 23, 2001. We'd sing Happy Birthday, but copyright law prevents us from doing so unless we pay the owner of that song. So instead of crooning that hackneyed ditty, we're going to spread the haterage about the iPod.

The iPod gets so much adoring and worshipful press—we ink-stained (pixel-stained?) wretches are fawning over it 24/7—so we figured it was high time somebody took it down a notch or two. As my Gizmodo colleagues hide in the closet, they've shoved me out into the limelight to take the heat, offering my Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate You, iPod. So get your flamethrowers ready. Here goes:

There's no FM: we have some great FM stations around these parts, one jazz station in particular that I listen to all the time in the car. I can't do that with the iPod. How much more would it cost to put FM in that thing, maybe two bucks? Get over it, put the damn receiver and there and be done with it.

More haterage, after the jump.

Scratches: Yes, the new aluminum iPod nano is allegedly scratch-resistant, but it's retro, looking kinda like the old mini. We don't like going backwards. Our first-gen iPod nano looked like a skating rink on day two, and we were coddling it in microfiber most of the time. What, does it have a wax coating? What good is a beautiful design that gets all scratched up if you touch it? Meh.

Battery life: We still haven't forgotten about the first-generation iPod whose battery wore out quicker than a prematurely-ejaculating teen. Plus, it was nigh on impossible to replace there for a while. Now, the batteries still won't last long enough, even in the newest models. There are cheap Taiwan knockoffs that last twice as long. Fix that.

DRM: Digital rights management is shit, no matter how you slice it. Sure, Apple's DRM, called FairPlay, gives you a little more leeway, but we'd rather not have anyone telling us what we can do with music we've purchased. Makes us want to steal it.

iTunes is janky: iTunes is weird, and although we have no trouble using it, we're getting tired of teaching our grandparents all of its intricacies. We thought this was Apple, where everyone could use it and it would be easy. iTunes is not easy enough, and doesn't follow Windows conventions closely enough.

No Bluetooth: How hard can it be to put Bluetooth in the iPod? Then we could get rid of all those wires with their auto-tangle feature, seemingly wrapping around themselves while you're not looking, requiring an untangling session a few times a day. Bring on the Bluetooth.

Thief magnet: This is not really the iPod's fault, but the damn things are so popular, if you're wearing white earphones, you might as well have just painted a big target on your back. At least release some official black Apple iPod earbuds, or various colors...? Maybe that'll throw the muggers off for a little while.

My kid wants a new one every six months: Steve Jobs himself talked about how iPods must often be replaced. Sure, any consumer electronics device that's cutting edge will be obsolete quickly, but at least you can make them less appealing to my kid, whose nagging me for a new one on a regular basis.

No widescreen: You're making the mistake of the Microsoft Zune, sticking with that old-fashioned 4x3 aspect ratio. We want wide screen; that's the way of the future. While you're at it, give us better than 640x480 video on iTunes.

No WiFi: speaking of Zune, you could've put WiFi on the iPod a long time ago, and not crippled it seven ways to Sunday, too, as Microsoft is about to do. Another missed opportunity.

Oh well, happy birthday anyway, iPod.