Instagram's New Terms of Use, Translated into Plain EnglishS

As you probably know, Instagram's new Terms of Use, which stirred up quite an Internet tizzy, kick in tomorrow. Terms of Use for websites, are for the most part, all full of the same impenetrable legalese. Instagram's Terms are no exception. We asked our intrepid Associate Counsel, Jesse Ma, Esq., to translate it into English, so you can actually understand it. Here it is:

One note: Being a lawyer, Councillor Ma would like us to remind you that this summary is "by no means a substitute for reading and understanding the actual thing." OK, Jesse, sure.

Starting January 19, 2013, Instagram's new terms of use become effective. Which means as soon as you use, access, or wink at Instagram or anything that uses or is related to Instagram, you promise:

• that you can legally agree to the Instagram's Terms
• that you could legally get into a PG-13 movie by yourself

You agree to:
• obey and not break the rules of Instagram's Terms, Instagram's API Terms, Instagram's Privacy Policy, Instagram's Community Guidelines, and any special terms Instagram creates for 'special features'
• be responsible for everything you post and everything you do on or with Instagram
• do nothing if you like arbitration as a way of resolving disputes with Instagram. But if you hate arbitrations and love going through our wonderful US court system, you have 30 days from the time you agree to these terms to send Instagram an actual letter via snail mail telling them so
• be responsible for all data charges you incur while using Instagram
• protect Instagram like it was family and pay for anything Instagram has to pay for if someone sues Instagram because of something you did on or with Instagram

You agree not to:
• post anything naughty (you know, like boobs) or illegal or private or confidential or anything that Instagram doesn't like
• break the law by either posting content or using Instagram
• mess with Instagram's intellectual property
• use the Instagram brand unless Instagram gives you permission
• try to get or use other Instagram user accounts
• SPAM, make fake accounts, or use any automated means to create accounts
• h@x0r Instagram's code, website, service, etc…

You agree that:
• Instagram is not responsible for anything you do or post on Instagram
• Instagram can view, edit, delete your account or content for any violation of the Terms, which Instagram can change at anytime with notice, which can be in the form of just posting them on Instagram, possibly with the Earlybird filter
• Instagram can change Instagram however it wants, whenever it wants, cause they like own it
• even if you delete, deactivate, or terminate your account, your stuff might still live on Instagram like a zombie
• it is your job and not Instagram's job to keep your password safe
• your username is not yours and can be forfeited for any reason—like if Instagram doesn't like you
• you own your content, but also give Instagram a license to do whatever Instagram wants with it, including putting ads on or near it
• it's OK if Instagram doesn't mark paid, sponsored, or commercial content or communications as paid, sponsored, or commercial
• Instagram may fail, lose your stuff, go down, and store your stuff as long as it wants and you're OK with that
• you can't sue Instagram for basically anything that happens on Instagram, and if by some chance you are able to, you're limited to $100 in damages
• none of your content is confidential
• if you send Instagram information or ideas Instagram doesn't owe you one red cent—or anything else
• if you have any claim against Instagram, you have one year (365 days) from the time the offending shit went down to tell them about it or you're straight out of luck
• if you have a dispute, you get to come see us in beautiful Santa Clara, CA to work it out under California Law
• the most current Instagram Terms in English apply
• Instagram can stop or limit its service any time it wants wherever it wants