The holidays are upon us and while I’m sure a lot of people are planning to spend them in the warm embrace of family and friends some of us prefer the coolness of a completely empty house that we never, ever have to leave again.
These are the gifts for those people: the disparate degenerates who could probably go a whole year without physically touching another human being. I salute you and hope someone buys you something from this list.
Let’s be real. As wonderful as never leaving the house is, it can sometimes get boring—especially when you’ve been on the couch for eight hours straight and your ass is asleep. So why not get up and move? VR is a great way to do that, and because the homebody presumably lives alone they won’t have to worry about the biggest downside of VR—looking like a dweeb. Google and Samsung both make great portable VR systems, and HTC and Oculus have solid ones to connect to your PC, but the Playstation VR headset sits right in the sweet spot. This is the system you buy if you want to get a taste of the future or experience the world as Batman. (Sony, $400)
Dyson Pure Hot Cool Link Purifier
If you’re a homebody than you get used to the myriad of odors excreted from your body and permeating the air. That is until the next time you leave the house and come home, wonder what died, and realize it was your dignity. This is where an air purifier comes in. They’re extremely necessary for the hermit you love and for the noses of the people whom they love. Dyson’s air purifier is ridiculously expensive, but it’s also a top-notch fan and a fantastic heater, and it can be controlled via your phone. (Dyson, $600)
Never leaving the house doesn’t mean you can’t have hobbies, and there are few things that better blend hobbies and the homebody existence than brewing your own beer. PicoBrew is a magical $800 system that lets you craft your own beer, or get pre-made packets of brew from great breweries like Abita and Flying Bike. Love a particular IPA but want to make a tiny tweak to it? Living in New York and unable to import your favorite beer from Portland? PicoBrew lets your favorite hikkomori do that.
The worst part about never leaving the house is sometimes people knock on the door and you really don’t want to seek out pants or get up and answer. There’s a lot of fancy smart doorbells and cameras that solve this problem, but few are as simple to use as the Canary Flex camera. It’s waterproof, wireless, and can be attached to just about any surface you can think of. It’s also not an eye sore. The Canary Flex comes in black and white and uses the same software as the older, but also nice, Canary camera. (Canary, $200)
If you’re never leaving the house there’s a good chance you’ll be spending a lot of time watching TV. This guide presumes you already own a TV because you are not Jesse Eisenberg. But owning a TV is only half the battle. You also need a way to watch Netflix, Hulu, and all the other streaming channels out there and most televisions that have that function don’t do it very well. So get the best set top box currently available. The Roku Premiere+ gives you access to Roku’s huge library of streaming channels in 4K, with HDR. It’s also got voice control so you don’t have to press a lot of buttons, and audio out on the remote itself, in case you want to watch a show without disturbing other people in your home. (Roku, $94)
Never leaving the house doesn’t mean you can’t have pets. It just means you need to be creative with your companions. A dog is out because it requires a walking, and a cat is out because they claw everything, walk on counters after using the litterbox, and sing the song of their people at four in the morning. Cozmo, the adorable robot from Anki, is a much less time-intensive pet. Like a pet, it recognizes you and your moods, has moods of its own, and happily plays games with you. Unlike a pet, you don’t have to clean up after it or feed it. (Cozmo, $180)
Being a modern day hermit is a lot nicer when your home is smart. Let’s assume you have some smart lights or a smart thermostat. Now you need a way to control it all with your voice like you’re in Star Trek. That’s where digital home assistants like Alexa and Google Assistant come in. The Amazon Echo, powered by Alexa, is louder, and the Google Home, powered by Google Assistant, is faster and more responsive, but the Amazon Dot is cheaper than both. At just $50 you can buy enough to outfit half your house for the same prices as a Google Home. That’s a lot of amazing home control for not a lot of money. (Amazon, $50)
Blankie Tails Shark Blanket
You’ve got to stay comfy, and because you’ve forgotten what the sky looks like it doesn’t matter what that comfort looks like. This super soft bag-like blanket from Blankie makes it look like you’re being eaten by a shark, which is amusing on its own. But it’s also useful if you want to reach out to friends who never visit and make them think you’re being consumed by a large plush creature of the sea. (Blankie Tails, $37)
Luxe Bidet Neo 185
Forget proportional representation in government elections—what Europe really has going for it are the bidets found in most homes and hotels. In the US, we wipe our rears like animals. In Europe, they wash their tooshies like they wash their hands. If a person is home all day they should have that kind of luxury available to them to. Fortunately it’s actually pretty easy to get your bidet on in the US. The water will be cold—which is going to be making waking up in the winter easier—but the Luxe Bidet Neo 185 can be self-installed on any toilet, cleans itself, has adjustable water pressure and even an adjustable nozzle for when ladies need to clean their front bits. (LUXE Bidet, $50)
DJI Mavic Pro
Let’s be real. You need vitamin D to survive. You can get it with an inhouse tanning bed or a long walk in your neighborhood, or you could go into your backyard and fly a 21st century kite. If it ever ships, the Mavic Pro by DJI will be a great choice. The $1000 Mavic is cheaper than DJI’s other drones, can be folded up small enough to fit in your hand, and can be controlled either by controller, with your phone, or with your voice. It also can be attached to a new VR helmet from DJI, which means you can walk your entire neighborhood without ever leaving the house. (DJI Store, $1000)