Feeling bored? You need a store that sells ridiculous, confusing products that probably shouldn't even exist. Let me introduce you to one of my favorite online retailers: Dealextreme.
It's one of the internet's largest purveyors of cheap tablets, obscure cables and amazing off-brand oddities.

Need a knock-off GoPro? They've got it. Some sexy lingerie that probably won't fit you? Yup. I usually use them to pick up cheap adapters or components, but every time I shop with them, I come across something weird, ridiculous and fun. Here are some of my favorites.

Way Too Many "Shock-Your-Friend" Toys

...including one that looks like a gun, shocks you and lights on fire. That sounds completely safe.

Horrible Rubber Animal Masks

Because horse head masks are too mainstream.

Fully Assembled Useless Machine

See that switch? Flip it, and a mechanical arm will come out and flip the switch the other direction. It's a machine that turns itself off when you turn it on. That's it. This thing is a best seller. Why are you buying this?

The Air Power Soccer Disc

Like hovercrafts? Soccer? Air hockey? Boy howdy, then do I have the floating, ball-themed floating disc for you. Enjoy.

Digital Buddha Jukebox

I don't know what a Digital Buddha Jukebox is, exactly, but I absolutely need one.

A $200 Telescope For Your iPhone

There are hundreds of smartphone lenses on DealExtreme, but this one is the biggest. That makes it the best, right? Right.

Electric Nose Massager

Have you ever thought to yourself, "boy, I could really go for a nose massage?" Never? Me neither, but someone, somewhere, did.

A Steam-Powered Engine That Never Stops Spinning

Okay, technically it's a " DIY Low Temperature Stirling Engine." The "DIY" consisting entirely of "putting this thing on top of a cup of hot water." Hours of... heat monitoring fun.

Cassette Adapter MP3 Player

A fully functional portable MP3 player that you can also shove into a tape deck. It's the ultimate MP3 player for people who drive a car from the 1980s and somehow don't have a smartphone. I've actually considered buying a cassette player just so I have an excuse to buy this thing.

This Cable Wrangler That Looks Like a Ctrl Button For Some Reason

I love keyboards, but I don't understand this.

USB Rechargeable Cigarette Lighter w/ Money Detector Function

I was completely on board with this until I read the words " money detector function." I'm pretty sure it means "counterfeit detector," but I prefer to imagine this as a magical, USB-powered device that finds money. Don't ruin that dream for me.

Outdoor Durable Anti-explode Glasses

Guaranteed not to explode, apparently.

Multi-Function Bomb Shape Rechargeable Game Alarm Clock

A bomb-shaped alarm clock. That's fine, but it's the description that concerns me: "Press red button, count down 10 seconds, reciprocal one of the 4-color cables, it will stop if right, or it will explode if wrong." So... wake up or you're dead?

Tactical Outdoor Self-Defense Pen

Ah the humble pen: an essential tool of the free press and, apparently, also a versatile self defense weapon. Seriously, drop the words "Tactical Pen" into YouTube and you'll find dozens of pen-based fighting tutorials. Check it out:

Awesome. No normal pen will do, of course—you need a weaponized writing implement: something with "high-hardness" a "shock-proof cap" and, of course, an ink cartridge: just in case you wanted to actually use the pen to write something down.

This is actually starting to sound feasible to me. I think that means it's time I get off the internet.