We here at io9 love a good mind-melting martial arts battle between ninjas, kung fu masters, or two perplexed extras who have no self-defense training whatsoever.
And over the years, a hearty 98% of our daily coverage has been devoted to finding the weirdest, most reality-defying fisticuffs ever dreamt up. For posterity’s sake, we’ve amassed all these wondrous fights, ninjutsus, and forbidden techniques in one article. You probably shouldn’t watch these clips all in one sitting, lest your brain starts leaking out of your ears.
(A metric ton of appreciation and thanks goes out to Sardonicus1313, who has been an invaluable ally in tracking down the best of the zany. Also, special shout-out goes out to Riki-Oh, which we’ve discussed recently. Also, Ninja Terminator, for simply being Ninja Terminator.)
https://gizmodo.com/the-10-most-absurdly-bloody-fight-scenes-in-science-fic-5938837
https://gizmodo.com/10-movies-with-the-word-terminator-in-the-title-that-5891307
1. Kung Fu From Beyond The Grave โ Dracula Summoning
Yes, there is a martial arts maneuver to summon Count Dracula. It is the only one you’ll ever need.
2. Shaolin Popeye โ Death Farting
I’ve never seen Shaolin Popeye, but this power alone makes him/his son/whoever this kid is better than the American Popeye and his spinach steroids. This sophisticated drama also featured a scene of fishing with one’s doodle.
3. The Crippled Masters โ Bionic Friends
This is like Master Blaster, but a thousand times better.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PG63tiVyDCY
4. Magic of Spell โ????
This batshit Taiwanese fantasy flick defies description, so I won’t even attempt a synopsis. Press play and turn off your brain. Watch the whole thing here.
5. Buddha’s Palm โ Acid Pimple
With the proper training (and by always wearing a facial mask of chicken grease and avocado butter), you too can turn the sebaceous gunk clogging your pores into a deadly weapon.
6. Magic of Spell โ Laser Peach
A giant levitating peach that shoots lasers? Now that’s what I call tangible plotting.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPFBjNVByJ4
7. Blowgun Magic
I think this is from some movie called Peach Kid (or maybe a sequel of Magic of Spell). In any case, you can watch the whole film here (I think).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rA40FvB11HQ
8. Ninja Wars โ Female Head-Switching
In this sequence, five wicked ninja switch a female ninja’s head with that of the governess’ in some icky ploy to restore her virginity. Watch it here.
9. Jade Dagger Ninja โ Super Hair Growing Murder Power
This fellow grows a full demon haircut in 10 seconds and pummels the guts out of some dudes.
10. Kung Fu Wonder Child โ Vampire Children
What’s worse than a hopping Chinese vampire? A pair of Chinese vampire toddlers. For more Jiang Shi insanity, check out The Gods Must Be Crazy 3 (of all movies).
https://gizmodo.com/chinese-vampire-invades-africa-in-the-gods-must-be-craz-5480396
11. Holy Weapon โ Exploding Bird Men + Super Strength
Another fine, indescribable battle that defies comprehension.
12. The Battle Wizard โ Gorilla Fighting + Frog-Eating
This is on par with Magic of Spell. Don’t think too hard about what you’re watching.
13. Holy Weapon โ Spider Seduction Magic
Lady turns into giant spider, eviscerates a bunch of dudes. The subtitles are amazing.
14. How do you defeat the kung fu land canoe? With the human go-cart, of course.
https://gizmodo.com/which-is-the-deadlier-kung-fu-style-the-land-canoe-or-5886978
15. We’ve changed our mind. Always end your movie with breast lasers.
https://gizmodo.com/do-not-end-your-kung-fu-film-with-boob-lasers-5882192
16. Tremble before the zombie crocodile!
https://gizmodo.com/if-youre-going-to-defeat-a-monk-you-need-zombie-crocod-5876531
17. To cross the paper bridge, you must chop off your legs!
https://gizmodo.com/how-does-one-cross-a-paper-bridge-above-a-pit-of-snakes-5872254
18. No kung fu movie is complete without a watermelon monster.
https://gizmodo.com/porcupine-armor-and-watermelon-monsters-the-most-psych-5869184
19. Dhalsim from Street Fighter, the early years!
https://gizmodo.com/was-this-insane-kung-fu-battle-the-inspiration-for-dhal-5865126
20. The German shepherd chariot of destruction!
https://gizmodo.com/the-best-kung-fu-movie-ever-to-involve-a-chariot-pulled-5862802
21. Beware the ninja vagina bubble! (There’s more, including ninja baby magic, at this link.)
https://gizmodo.com/q-whats-the-worst-ninja-magic-ever-a-the-evil-vagin-5642030
22. The dreaded decapitated boomerang!
https://gizmodo.com/if-you-decapitate-a-ninja-with-a-boomerang-he-just-ain-5826548
https://gizmodo.com/will-the-evil-ninjas-umbrella-defeat-the-good-ninjas-in-5816850
24. Popeye and Bruce Lee go to Hell, fight mummies. (Read more here.)
https://gizmodo.com/insane-1977-movie-sent-bruce-lee-to-hell-to-meet-popeye-5856771
25. The exploding fish grenade (and hula hoop of war)!
https://gizmodo.com/hula-hoops-and-fish-grenades-two-contenders-for-the-wo-5810125
26. The dreaded stilt woman!
https://gizmodo.com/this-is-probably-the-greatest-kung-fu-battle-of-all-tim-5869677
Portions of this io9 Flashback appeared in February 2011. Top image: the poster of Bruce Lee Fights Back From The Grave, which was a real movie.
https://gizmodo.com/acid-zits-laser-peaches-and-dracula-the-most-inexpli-5766631
