America's Most Punchable Face to Be Kept Safely Behind Bars

Image: AP
Image: AP

Smirking goblin Martin Shkreli was convicted of securities fraud mere moments ago, The New York Times reports. This small, greasy manchild faces as many as 20 years behind bars. Let us all breathe a sigh of relief.


We won’t have to hear about his puerile antics of buying up the web domains of journalists he despised, or harassing women for his own cheap kicks, or raising the cost of life-saving drugs to preposterous sums with no sense of remorse. We’re done reading headlines about how this fleck of spittle clinging between the pages of history was considered so publicly vile and obnoxious that the Federal District Court in Brooklyn had difficulty finding unbiased jurors to preside over his conviction.

And we certainly will stop devoting all thought to how truly inept one person had to be at crime to commit fraud through two companies he ran, then illegally use another company he ran to attempt to pay back the very people he defrauded.

Shkreli was never the aloof supervillain he so frequently postured as, and the only true threat he represented was to our collective patience through incessant attention-seeking. But now we’re free from having to hear about him, at least until his sentencing, which does not yet have a scheduled date. According to Bloomberg, Shkreli will likely serve far less than the maximum sentence but is “almost certain to go to prison.”

Senior reporter. Tech + labor /// Keybase: Securedrop: http://gmg7jl25ony5g7ws.onion/



I object to Shkreli being ranked as the most punchable face. Did you not consider Scaramucci? What does it take to climb on this ranking? Killing people by denying them life saving drugs? Oh wait...