A girlfriend with dubious motives. A frightened social networker. A lonely neighbor with an eye on his WiFi. Some of you are real wrecks! Luckily, so are we. Let's commiserate.
Dear Giz—
For the first few months of our relationship, my girlfriend never wanted to stay over. Then, all of a sudden, she started sleeping here every night. We do the normal couple things—eat dinner, watch TV, sleep together—and I just thought we had settled into a nice groove. Then, a couple nights ago, we were out with friends, and it came up that she had recently canceled her cable—right around the time she started coming over! Is she just using me for my cable??
Please help,
Set Top Boxed-In
Dear Set Top—
You sound like a real catch—what woman wouldn't want to spend the night with a dude so sure of himself? You're probably right. She's probably only into you for your cable. Or maybe she's siphoning change out of that jar on your dresser? Are you sure she hasn't peeked at your social security number? Is this a secure channel? Wait—did you hear that? Can we be sure she's not reading this right now?
Snap out of it, man! Or, really, get used to it. If you had HBO and a hot tub, she'd be sending you phonecam snaps of engagement rings. Basic fact of life: people enter into relationships with people who have stuff they don't—this applies all the way down the line, from your body parts to your boom box. If anything, consider yourself lucky enough to have something to grab her attention so you aren't up at 2 am watching Death Wish IV in bed on TBS by yourself. Not that, y'know, we have any experience with that.
Next, we have another paranoid personality disorder on our hands:
Dear Giz—
LIke everyone else who went to college in the past few years, my facebook page is littered with pictures of me and my friends performing questionable activities while drunk. Well, now I'm applying for jobs. Is there any way to completely sterilize my profile so that recruiters won't see it?
Sincerely,
Afraid I'm Zucked
Dear Zucked—
First off, why are you worried corporate recruiters are going to see your profile? Either you're accepting their friend requests—in which case, wow, you are a dumbass—or you were friends with them in the first place. Which means your collegiate exploits aren't as cool as you think.
But if you had actual, real, cool (read: puking a lot, walking around library sans pants) friends, then you should have nothing to worry about. Check it out: Just apply for cool jobs. Ones where you get to wear sunglasses indoors, and yell at people, and open beer bottles with your teeth. What do you think that kind of employer is going to want to see on Facebook? You playing memo pong? Funneling Vitamin Water? Bros FTPing bros? They're going to want exploits—and not the one you exposed in the library's firewall. So embrace your hijinks. Don't just send in your resume, attach that photo of you putting eyeliner on the keg.
Or, if the actuarial arts are calling your name that hard, Photoshop is your new FB friend: Type "Bono Africa" into Google Image Search, paste your head on top of his, and replace all your Facebook pics with these gems. Then start updating your status every five minutes with random thoughts about Objective C. Not only will this push the stuff about how drunk you are off your wall, but all your cool buddies will unfriend you. Voila: You're State Farm's hire of the century.
Also try making a fake LinkedIn profile—how do you think we got our jobs here at Gizmodo?
Finally, and maybe to compensate for the doomed relationship up top, we have a reader who may be on the verge of true love. Or a restraining order.
Dear Giz—
I just moved into a new city, and haven't really made any friends. I'm recently single, and honestly kind of lonely. Anyway, while I was setting up my wireless, I noticed one of the available networks was "QT UPSTAIRS." I don't want to be creepy, but I figure there must be someone kind of flirty up there—how do I break the ice?
WPA-hole
Dear WPA-hole—
Well! You're certainly creepy. And while the thought of you sitting alone, in your yet-to-be-unpacked apartment, desperately scanning nearby WiFi networks for companionship, is enough to make us at Giz HQ join hands and leap off the roof, we do feel for you. Just, man, you sound really creepy. But we'll get through this together.
First of all, this sounds more like the beginning of a 48 Hours murder mystery than a first date. But if you're willing to risk the chance of ending up ball-gagged and duct taped to the wall while "QT Upstairs" resets your firmware, maybe you'll actually make a friend. We'd recommend making up a new "how we met story" for the parents, but the potential is there.
Wait, who are we kidding. This is definitely a hooker. So go upstairs, wad of cash in hand, and remember to be safe—this sounds like one access point that ain't exactly protected.
If you have a question that only Gizmodo can answer, well, that sucks. But at least you can email us: askgiz@gizmodo.com. We'll address three questions every Wednesday.