Facebook Unresponsive as Reports Say Zuckerberg Will Testify

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After two weeks of watching his company take in the shorts for doling out the most intimate details of people’s lives like candy, Mark Zuckerberg has reportedly resigned himself to testify before Congress. But so far, Facebook isn’t saying anything about it publicly.


CNN’s Dylan Byers reported around noon that Zuckerberg has succumbed to pressure from Washington and decided to appear in corporeal form and verbally communicate with lawmakers.

Demands that Zuckerberg testify followed the revelation that Cambridge Analytica, a political consultancy hired by Donald Trump’s presidential campaign and other US politicians, obtained data on at least 50 million Facebook users through unauthorized means. Facebook learned of Cambridge’s use of the data in 2015 and demanded the firm delete the data. But that reportedly didn’t actually happen.

It wasn’t until Facebook learned that the New York Times and the Observer were planning to report on the incident that it took action by suspending Cambridge Analytica from Facebook.

The social media network is now the focus of a Federal Trade Commission investigation into its helter-skelter data-sharing policies. Amid a stirring advertising exodus, the company lost roughly $73 billion in market value within 10 days, according to financial reports.

Facebook has yet to respond to a request from Gizmodo about Mark’s decision to be personally accountable for his company’s actions before Congress. Soon after Byers’ report, however, the Washington Post quickly confirmed that Facebook is discussing details of his appearance, also citing an anonymous source, which reeks of a coordinated leak.


Just about everyone is pissed at Mark because, well, the entire world suddenly and belatedly woke up to the fact that Facebook’s global data collection is fueling countless shadowy institutions whose aim is to manipulate voters and subvert the democratic process.

And boy are the Brits going to be pissed. Earlier today, Facebook sent a letter to UK lawmakers saying he would not be appearing before Parliament. Facebook executives Mike Schroepfer and Chris Cox will reportedly attend in his stead.





I think if your clients want to sit on my shoulders and call themselves tall, they have the right to give it a try - but there’s no requirement that I enjoy sitting here listening to people lie. You have part of my attention - you have the minimum amount. The rest of my attention is back at the offices of Facebook, where my colleagues and I are doing things that no one in this room, including and especially your clients, are intellectually or creatively capable of doing.

Which is the same old tired story of boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy starts up social network, boy mines girl’s and everyone else’s data, boy sells data for a fuck ton of money, boy suffers major breach enabling Trump’s campaigners with the help of Russian bots to shove “But But her emails” to girl’s racist uncles and enable an orange creamscile to take over US Amercia, boy gets subpoenaed and loses his shit in a public way, and finally boy is forced to go to Congress and eat his original words.*

*Assuming this quote is paraphrasing what Zuck said and is not entirely fictional...