Oh my dears, last night was all about Pammy-Pam-Pam the vampire who can-can. HBO should just give actress Kristin Bauer sacks of money because if it wasn't for her, this show would go straight to the sex panthers.
And now, your True Blood recap, in Pro/Con style.
Pro: Eric is still adorably dazed and confused. Walking around with no socks and no shirt. Again, as I said last week, at what point in the mind-erasing magic was it imperative for him to take off his shirt and socks? At what point did Eric think, "This shirt, no thanks! And these socks, take a hike Hanes Classics." [Editor Note: I don't actually know what kind of socks Eric wears. This is a good question really. What kind of socks does Viking Vampire Eric wear? Does he even wear socks? Is he more of a TOMS hipster loafer slide? What kind of socks do we all wear? It's really a giant morality question, something the great Alan Ball probably wants us all to entertain. Where are our socks? Collectively. Where are they really? Jesus didn't wear socks. Think about it... What?.... Ball's crammed every other moral issue under the sun into these episodes that are really only about about vampires having sex. So, I wouldn't put it past him. God Hates Tevas! Or Fangs! Or the Bible I don't know, just hold me.]
Pro: Vampire Punch! Now this is the sassy Sookie I like. Not the indignant brat who barges in on very important vampire sex sessions in Vampire Cool King's manor.
Con: Eric explains what happened to his brain as best as he can, "It was her but it wasn't her, she was in a circle chanting, everything I was, was taken from me." Sookie finds this reasoning (from the vampire that just tried to eat her twice) just fine. No problem. I'll help you deal with this. That's sound logic right there lady. Good idea everyone.
Pro: Eric sweetly leans over and whispers to Sookie, "I am grateful for this...I just wanted to be sure of you." Just kidding that last line was what Piglet said to Pooh. But I still see it.
Con: Sookie ruins said moment with her "Whatever" retort. OK it was kind of funny. Maybe not a Con after all.
Con: Meanwhile, Tara has returned to her usual routine of suck. The smarmy dickishness she worked a whole year on washing out of her with hot bra-wearing lesbian fighter sex has returned. "So thanks for bringing me tonight, it's been awhile since I got attacked by a vampire and guess what, it still sucks. And it still freaks my shit out." The picture above (from Community) accurately displays my true reaction when ever Tara talks.
Pro: Lafayette spews it all right back in her face with his excellent take on this delightful Dolly Parton quote, "Bitch climb down off that cross." Preach, Rev. Lala.
Con: Lala's words fail to detour Tara, she continues on rambling about how terrible the whole witches and Eric experience was, for her. I'm sorry sweetheart but if you have such a huge problem with the supernatural element in Bon Temps then maybe, just maybe, you should have passed on the local Wiccan gathering.
Con: Marni is pissed because Eric came in (AKA tried to kill her) and ordered them to stop practicing their religion. Congratulations Mr. Ball, you have managed to fit yet another social and ethical issue into this show that is really just about vampires fucking.
Pro: Loud Wiccan #2 throws down an excellent Amber Atkins quote. "What is this Nazi Germany?"
Con: But no time for magic, we need to check in on Jason who is still tied up to the filthy bed in Hot Pants Kitty town. WHEN WILL THIS FUCKING PLOT END?
Con: The only thing more annoying than this subplot is the fact that Crystal has to explain to Jason what is happening every time they're on screen. "If you're going to kill me, just do it!" What? They've told 1,000 times that they are going to turn you into a panther, you've SEEN them turn into panthers right before they told you they were going to turn you into a panther. How is Jason the only one who doesn't understand that the clan of were-panthers he's been babysitting for a year are now going to turn him into a panther as well?
Con: Ghost Daddy and Ghost Mamma story is terrible. "Nature ain't need to be smart, nature is nature?" You are draining my will to live Hot Pants Kitty Folk. No. Just. No.
Con: Vampire Viral video needs more cats, or it's not really a viral video is it? Put more cats in the "YouTube" (ugh) video, or take it down.
Pro: Look at all the fancy art in Bill's fancy cool guy office. HA HA HA HA I'm just kidding most of the statutes are just half naked torsos of ladies. King Vampire Cool Guy strikes again.
Pro: Jessica shows up for some fanger father time. I have no problem with this. These two are cute together.
Pro: Bill gives the old, I'm giving you advice that I wish I had taken a year ago, then longingly stares off at his wall (presumably at some naked torso art COOL GUY). ACTING!
Con: Bill then says, "Vamp Up."
Con: Eric tip-toeing around around Sookie's rug. No. Stop this behavior immediately. We all appreciate the no shirtlessness that is seemingly going to last the entire season (thank you). But this behavior must end now. Also when did Sookie get so concerned about people rubbing mud all over her Grandmother's house. I'm pretty sure the great mud orgy of 2009 stayed all over the sides of her home for months.
Pro: Pam's Fangtasia greeting.
Con: Sookie Jesus is washing Eric's feet. Is this a Jesus thing, Ball? It's a Jesus thing, isn't it. Sigh.
Con: Eric is ticklish. I DO NOT LIKE THIS.
Pro: Sookie calls Pam and Pam vampire vrooms right over to her house. She's greeted with her own vampire vroom from Eric, WHO THE FUCK IS THAT! Scary, OK I'm back in. Also another big pro for Pam being forced to be nice to Sookie. I don't think I've ever even seen her smile (that way) before. You could kill a lumberjack with that smile. Most excellent. Also it did genuinely seem like Pam was worried about Eric.
Con: Technically you fang-raped me. This and Vamp Up had better not become "things".
Con: No time to talk Eric babysitting plans, or how much one would charge to babysit Eric (I assume you could get paid back in sexy sex, but that's just what I would ask for. That or Trident Stripes). Moving on, it's Jessica and Hoyt time, hooray. But according to True Blood TV, Reverend Steve Newlin has been missing for 6 months. Booo.
Con: WHAT THE FUCK HOYT?????
Who blocked this scene? No way no how would I let a mysterious little, probably evil and a ghost, dirty toy baby anywhere near my body. Dirty Toy Baby goes into the trash, into the fire, into the shredder not in the beautiful arms of Hoyt. What is wrong with you Hoyt?
Pro: While I DO NOT like it that Jessica is glamoring Hoyt, I do like that it is happening. This is a real thing that a young vampire would 100% use on her boyfriend if she felt guilty or fucked up, all of the time. Hell, I would use it on everyone. NO office manager I did NOT eat your sandwich, you ate it, and you are full. You do not need to send out an accusatory email that clearly indicates my guilt in the sandwich eating. All is well.
This was bound to happen. And as much as it pains me to watch this couple that I was the biggest cheerleader of circle the drain, I do like that someone is taking advantage of the copious vampire powers. That's thinking with your shoes on True Blood staffers (shoe metaphor!!!! Nope? Yeah, OK sorry about that).
And one last pro in this scene, even though Hoyt was getting glamored (and that is bad, yes) he looked absolutely adorable in the process. I would pay $15 dollars of my money to just squish his face in my hands like that for an uninterrupted 7 minutes.
Pro: Meanwhile back in the sexless haven that is now docile Eric camp, Eric is wearing some of Jason's clothes. And of course a hooded sweatshirt with no sleeves is something Jason would own. And OF COURSE his shoes would be too small for him, AMIRITE EVERYONE??? And another pro goes to Sookie for rapping on the ladder in Eric's direction like a little puppy. "Come on!"
Con: Now Tara isn't going to skip town because Lafayette is in trouble, but a minute ago she was all screw-this-town Tara. PICK A TARA.
Pro: Andy's on the sauce. Again. I don't like what they are doing with this character, but honestly he's such a great actor he's selling it for me. So this tirade is both Con and Pro. They could make Andy sell Mary Kay, and the moment would be taught in theater classes across the world. That being said, I'd like a more level-headed Andy (even though he's never truly level) this V-Juice nonsense was played out last season, move along. There's nothing to see here.
Con:Also, someone needs to school me on v-juice. Seriously, what does V-juice do anyways? Andy's got the crack itch, and the heroin shake, but he's acting like a coke-fueled lunatic. We've seen Lala dance around on V like it was E with steroids. I need a vampire "this is your brain on V-Juice" PSA please.
Pro: Oh hey Alcide!
Pro: And BOOM Alcide just got one upped by Debbie Pelt. Haters to the left, I love me some Pelt. This is the woman who invented the vampire burrito!!!! Fingers crossed she falls off the wagon HARD. But seriously are you actually upset that she left, Debbie?
Con: Alcide didn't think it was prudent to tell Sookie, oh BeeTeeDubs Sooks the woman that tried to kill you is right behind you. HA HA HA HA HA SCARED YOU. But seriously, she has highlights now so CLEARLY it's cool. Ha, men.
Pro: Another reason Pelt is the best: she's serving up Vienna sausage, squashed pickle, crawfish dip. I have no idea what these things are, but they can all get in my belly right now.
Pro: Tommy Mickens has been going to the Maxine Fortenberry school for kids who can't read good.
Con: What this hell is this Natural Gas storyline? I'm going to list off all the plot lines we have in the air right now. You let me know if it's too much.
- Tara's a lesbian
- Lafayette is a witch who mind wiped Eric
- One of the witches is crazy powerful and has something to do with cutters
- Eric has no memory
- The meth panthers are trying to make Jason a Daddy Ghost or some terrible name like that
- Arlene's baby is evil
- Jessica is eating around on Hoyt
- Jessica and Hoyt live in a house that is possessed by a trash baby
- Vampire Bill is the King of Louisiana, sucks at his job
- Tommy Mickens can read, still a dick, lives with Maxine
- Sam joined a shifter supper club (clothing optional) and met a girl
- Alcide is back with Debbie
- Fairies and stuff
- Steve Newlin is missing
- Andy is addicted to V-Juice
- Nan is running a pro-vampire campaign
- Sookie was gone for a year but has to say she was on Vampire Business
That's just off the top of my head. But yeah there's totally more room for a very interesting natural gas scandal. No Problem.
Pro: While Crystal is rubbing magical dirt in Jason's were-panther wounds (yes that is a real thing that I just typed out) the background gets all mystical. I'm kind of proud that they didn't play The Deliverance soundtrack.
Pro: Crystal gives Jason MEXICAN VIAGRA, HA HA HA HA, because they're poor and can't afford REAL Viagra. LOL great attention to detail everyone. Take 5.
Con: UGH Sam and Tara back together and terrible.
Con: Tara tells Sam to stop flirting with her (this from the girl who IMMEDIATELY started drinking straight tequila with her bed buddy and proceeds to eye fuck the shit out of him for the next 4 minutes). But no, no, Sam you stop flirting with ME. "You're bad Sam." "Yes I am bad." Brrrlaaap hack, *cough cough* bleach. These two are just gross. Bring back the lovely Skin Walker lady — she was fantastic.
Pro: Bill Compton leaves Eric a voice message. YES! Let's keep this one going, shall we? Who else would Bill call....
"Hello, yes. Comcast? Yes this is Kiiiing Bill Compton of Louisianaaa. I'm calling in regaaaards to a television operation malfunction. For reasons unbeknownst to myself, mah season of "Hot In Cleveland" has disappeared off mah television set. I require immediate assistance... No, no I can assure this wasn't an operator error. I'm over a hundred years old, I'm well versed in television clicker control... I AM THE AUTHORITY in these parts. Now please send one of your cable rephair folks to mah manor. I presume I will not have to pay for this month's service... I beg your pardon. No will nwat restart mah cable box, I have tried this multiple times to no avail. I refuse! You will send someone over here immediately to retrieve mah stories before i have to take this up with a higher office and make you suffer the true death... Yes. Yes thank you...Eric is evil."
Pro: Bill can't love anymore because he has an old heart. OK. Everyone that's a wrap.
Con: Jessica gives an infant the evil trash baby. And Terry and Arlene allow their child to gum this dirt covered creature. What is wrong with these people, Terry you are better than this! Jessica you are better than this! Arlene, yeah sounds about right.
Con: Tommy Mickens comes up with a brilliant plan to steal Maxine's natural gas, Sam is all "No that's wrong." THE END. GOOD STORY.
Pro: Pam is back and PISSED! "I will personally eat, fuck, and kill all three of you." In that order? Nice. Watch the clip here.
Pro: Ginger! Hey Girl, missed you!
Con: Jason wakes up mid Hot Shorts rape. Oy. I feel like more people get sexually violated on this show than on Law & Order SVU. Bon Temps is a BAD PLACE. This whole story is just gross, and it's about to get a lot worse...
Con: Mid-rape the camera pans over to a flock of ladies in their best dirty dresses, presumably waiting for their turn with Jason. This is when I get mad at True Blood. You've now made ME think on my own that all these poor little meth panthers are going to gang rape Jason. You didn't say it, all you did was show it, and that's where my mind went. Screw you guys.
Con: Sookie is reading a Charlaine Harris book. See earlier ARRRHHHUUUUGH picture.
Pro: Not that I don't love Charlaine Harris, you are the best lady! Thank you for all the vampire sex! I just didn't need that meta moment.
Con: Claudine is back.
Pro: Claudine is dead, so this means no more fairies plot, right? I can go up and scratch out the fairy plot on the list, right? Please. Ah who are we kidding.
Pro: Sookie's final line. Oh the ridiculousness of it all. You just have to embrace it. Plus Eric's "oops I just murdered your buddy" face in the end was priceless.
A few of these stills were taken from the Shadow Of The Reflection screencap site (an excellent place for TB stills).