How to Completely Ignore the Mueller Report Through the Magic of Technology

Illustration for article titled How to Completely Ignore the Mueller Report Through the Magic of Technology
Photo: Gizmodo alterations to AP photo

The Mueller Report, detailing the investigation into Russia’s efforts to help President Donald Trump win the 2016 election, will be released sometime after 11 am ET today. But if you’re sick and tired of hearing about it, which is only natural at this point, there are tools you can use to limit your exposure.


Set Up Internet Filters

If you want to avoid the Mueller Report, the best thing you can do is just get offline. But if that’s not an option, you can set up filters that censor words across the entire internet so that you don’t have to see them.

Twitter allows you to mute certain words, so you might start there by muting terms like “Mueller” and “Trump” and “Barr.” Just go to Settings and Privacy and click on Muted Words. From there you’ll be able to add as many words as you like, including “collusion,” “obstruction,” and “Trump is using the office of the presidency to enrich himself and his family in a criminal conspiracy so vast that we hardly even notice it anymore.”

And a third-party Google Chrome extension called Advanced Profanity Filter allows you to completely censor words. I’d recommend filtering out “Mueller” and “Barr” at the very least. Add “report,” “president,” and “Russia” in there, if you don’t mind missing out on other content that includes those words.

Here’s what the Drudge Report looks like if you only censor “Mueller” using that Chrome extension:

Illustration for article titled How to Completely Ignore the Mueller Report Through the Magic of Technology
Screenshot: Drudge Report

Disable Push Notifications From Your Phone

Do you get push notifications from apps like Facebook, Twitter, Apple News, the New York Times, or Google News? You’re going to want to turn those off. Both Android and iOS allow you to turn off notifications for each service individually, but just nuke that shit. No notifications, no information.


For iOS, go to Settings > Notifications > Show Previews and set it to never. From the Notifications menu, also scroll to any app that might push the Mueller report in your face and turn notifications to off. On Android, swipe down to display the notification shade and select the Do Not Disturb icon, tap Notifications and select Hidden, which will mercifully release you from the devouring grip of the special council’s shadow.

Throw All Your Electronics Into a Bathtub

Have you set up all the filters and disabled push notifications but are still seeing news leak into your brain? Just chuck your computer and phone into a full bathtub. It’s probably not a great life decision in the long run, but you’ll immediately feel a lot better.


Don’t Talk to Other Humans

Even if you successfully set up all of the electronic filters that are needed to avoid the Mueller Report news (or just dump your gadgets into a large body of water), you still run the risk of hearing about it from other humans. Avoid human contact at all costs, but if you’re forced to talk with another person, feel free to start every conversation with “I’m trying to avoid news today so please keep this interaction to only pertinent information.” This tactic is easier to get away with while interacting with strangers but might be a bad idea with your partner or any kids.


Start a New Life

Have you done everything to avoid the news but still keep hearing about it? The only real solution is to start a new life in a remote area with no access to the internet or other people. You’ve been thinking about it for a long time. You catch yourself staring off into the middle distance, fantasizing about what life would look like if you never had to hear the name Donald Trump again.


Have you considered the Canadian wilderness? It’s a big country, and while the entire country is mapped, there are some parts that still haven’t been explored. A person could start a whole new life up there. You wouldn’t even have to see another human being ever again, and the internet would largely become a fading memory.

If not now, when? You have options. You can do it. We believe in you. Godspeed.


Matt Novak is the editor of Gizmodo's Paleofuture blog


Look at this fool. Sticking his fingers in his ears and closing his eyes to avoid learning the truth. You wouldn’t look like such an ignorant fool if you wrote this article about movie spoilers or something.