If The Lion King Was An Accurate Science Documentary

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All was quiet on the arid plains of Africa when, suddenly, hundreds of animals rushed out of hiding and in a lumbering stampede ran towards Pride Rock, the highest point on the Serengeti.

Elephants sounded, cheetahs bounded and flamingos soared in groups so large they darkened the sky. One thing and one thing alone would create such mayhem (and blatant disregard for the well-established food web): fire.

Actually, a more scientifically sound version of The Lion King sounds like something I’d watch.


The animals narrowly escaped the (completely random) blaze that had swept its way across the plains, forcing them to abandon their habitats and head for higher ground. They arrived tired and frantic. The air was filled with screams from the frightened group … as members of the crowd calmed down and began to remember they liked to eat each other.

Just then, a baboon that looked suspiciously like a mandrill (but was in fact a baboon, so please don’t argue) appeared on the rock face above. In his arms was a stolen lion cub, named Simba. The mandrill/baboon lifted the cub as if to throw the tiny predator over the cliff’s edge, but as baboons are known to practice group decision-making, the solo male was unsure of what to do. In a bout of self-doubt and confusion, the manic monkey wandered off to find his missing troop.


Though the baboon had gone, the little lion was not out of the woods. Standing close behind the youngster was a male lion weighing a very average (but respectable) 190 kilograms (420 lbs). The towering cat stared intently at the little cub ... After all, baby killing (infanticide) is common when male lions come across cubs that aren’t their own.

Head on over to Earth Touch to read the rest of writer Sarah Keartes’s hilarious, inspired take on the Disney classic.