Did you want a movie about Uber? No? Too bad! You’re getting two!
Yesterday, The Hollywood Reporter broke the news that Universal and Fox both paid a shitload of money to get the wheels turning on two different Uber-themed movies.
On April 14, Universal reportedly coughed up seven figures for an untitled comedy starring Will Ferrell as “an Uber driver stuck with a deranged escaped-convict passenger.” The morning after, Fox apparently paid six figures for the script of a movie titled Stuber, which apparently “takes place over one harrowing night in the life of an Uber driver who picks up a grizzled cop working the most dangerous case of his career.”
Both of them sound predictably bad, and it’s unclear whether anyone besides Uber CEO Travis Kalanick actually wants to see a movie about the company. Nevertheless, Universal and Fox dedicated a lot of money to these projects, so I went ahead and made their lives a little easier. Below, I slightly altered the IMDB descriptions for some popular car-related movies. (Hollywood likes reboots, right?) It took me about 20 minutes, but they’re definitely not worse than the proposed ideas. Universal and Fox: Call me.
An entitled millennial and her Uber driver in New York City have a relationship that sours and eventually implodes after he asks her how she manages to pay for all of those rides. At the end, her Uber rating dips down to a lowly 2.4, and she faces the prospect of reckoning with her life choices. She doesn’t. [IMDB]
Uber CEO Travis Kalanick and Lyft CEO Logan Green and take off in a ‘66 Thunderbird after deciding they’re done raking in the millions. Haha, just kidding. [IMDB]
A mysterious Hollywood stuntman and mechanic moonlights as an Uber driver and finds himself in trouble when he helps out his neighbor. He wears a white satin jacket with Travis Kalanick’s face on the back. [IMDB]
A young Uber driver must get his passenger to his destination before surge pricing ends. He speeds past a mall, never going below 50 mph, until he’s stopped by mall cop Paul Blart. Everyone in the audience spontaneously combusts. [IMDB]
Former Uber driver Bryan O’Connor must take down a rival Lyft driver after he kidnaps a passenger. He calls upon a childhood friend who is looking for another chance at life. The two eventually beat the shit out the Lyft driver using one of those horrifying pink mustaches. [IMDB]
Wait, isn’t that Uber’s tagline?