Incompetent Chainsaw Attacker Flees from Bat-Wielding Man

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In a modern-day version of David vs. Goliath, a Virginia homeowner armed with nothing but an aluminum baseball bat and moxie successfully defended himself against a chainsaw-carrying intruder late Monday night. A factor that worked in his favor: The would-be attacker, one Douglas Edward Turner, is a strong contender for "least-talented crime-committing person ever."

Around 11:45 PM, Turner showed up at the victim's house and started yelling and pounding on the door. For whatever reason, the victim opened the door to tell Turner to leave—a request that, surprisingly, Turner rejected. And then:

[Turner] then reached behind a bush, pulled out a chainsaw, revved it and threatened the victim, police said.

He sliced into a railing at the house, according to Maj. David Decatur, spokesman for the sheriff's office.


Catching on quickly that Turner did not acknowledge polite requests to stop acting like a total fucking psycho, the victim ran back inside the house immediately and locked the door. Somehow, Turner gained entry to the house, his chainsaw still running. After yelling to someone inside the house to call 5-0 "posthaste," the victim grabbed his aluminum baseball bat and started beating Turner up with it. This caused Turner to make a getaway in his pick-up truck, which the cops later found abandoned in the otherwise serene subdivision where this story unfolded.

The cops eventually found Turner as well, hanging out at a nearby hospital. He now faces a bunch of criminal charges for the chainsaw incident, plus an alleged domestic violence incident, plus charges related to his attempted escape from the hospital and assault of two cops. Supposedly his chainsaw fit was all about a dispute between him and the victim over some lady. (Hey lady: pick the baseball bat guy.)


[MSNBC, Stafford County Sun. Image cata.strophic./via Flickr.]