Is the Earth Quarantined???

Illustration for article titled Is the Earth Quarantined???

Click to view Why haven't we met aliens yet? And why aren't we sending rockets all over the solar system? There is only one plausible explanation. Earth is being quarantined! A combination of higher alien civilizations and our own Earth-based military forces are working together to keep the Earth contained and neutralized. The reasons why they would do this are obvious, but where is the evidence? Below, we've got enough truly true facts to get your conspiracy engines revved up to maximum. 1. We have been located in a backwater part of the galactic rim. To keep Earth inhabitants away from the rest of the universe community, our planet was stuck way out in the boondocks at the rim of a second-rate galaxy. Obviously only a higher alien intelligence could have done this, to prevent humans from leaking out everywhere and finding all the cool shit in the universe. 2. Space debris is a shield to keep us from hearing alien broadcasts. You've heard that there are thousands of pieces of space junk orbiting Earth, posing a danger to orbiting spacecraft and creating a haze of garbage around the planet. Recently the Chinese government created infinitely more space trash by shooting one of its satellites, scattering its shattered body into orbit. What could be the possible reason for leaving all this junk in orbit, instead of cleaning it up? Obviously, our governments are using the junk as a deflection shield to prevent alien messages and craft from getting through. And this suits the aliens just fine, since they're quarantining us anyway. 3. Space-based weapons prevent aliens from wanting to bond with us. According to Alfred Webre, a Canadian futurist and author of the recent book Exopolitics:

Star Wars and the militarization of space is part of the information war against the integration with Universe society. Star Wars is an "inside code word" for this war among the military planners. The issue is whether our space technology will be in accord with Universal principles, or controlled by a military empire. The USA will ultimately suffer ignominious defeat by Universe society should it persist as a space military power.


Well, that pretty much covers it. 4. JPL scientists who are in on the quarantine efforts helped perpetuate the myths that were reported in Wired about how we could "never achieve interstellar travel." Why don't they want us to believe in interstellar travel? Why? These are space scientists, dammit — doesn't it strike you as odd that they are saying we shouldn't go to space? 5. NASA's launch of a suborbital rocket fails. Today NASA launched a suborbital rocket, but had to shoot it out of the sky due to alleged "launch failure." Really? Could this actually be an effort to discourage suborbital rockets, which might break through the space debris and catch sight of the Universe society? As one blogger points out, NASA already knows about aliens. Thus, they're the perfect organization to make it seem as if there were "problems" on a rocket that was about to run into alien vessels. 6. Large Hadron Collider. Seriously — need we say more? Any alien civilization worth its salt would know that when we start beaming subatomic particles through that giant, Swiss magnetic loop that the Terrible Events are about to begin. Stay the hell away from Earth when that happens. 7. Project Bluebook closed. In the 1950s and 60s, the Air Force created Project Bluebook, an investigative project to figure out what all those UFOs were. Despite the fact that people continue to see UFOs every day, the project was shut down in 1969. Why? Was that the year that the government learned about the Quarantine and decided to pull the wool over our eyes? 8. Twelve missions to Mars failed en route to the planet. Sure we have some satellites orbiting Mars now, and three robots on the surface doing measurements. But they're only in the quarantined areas. Whenever a satellite or spacecraft has tried to go near certain off-limits parts of the planet, they've mysteriously disappeared. Traces of them are never found again, even by the satellites that are supposedly photographing the planet in such minute detail that they can see this hunk of ice. 9. Global warming makes planet more comfortable for everybody. Little-discussed fact about global warming: It will make all the least-inhabitable regions of the planet into a tropical paradise. Climate change is basically a massive, multinational conspiracy to get everyone so comfy on Earth that they never want to go to ultra-cold Mars or the even colder reaches of deep space. It's good when people believe they actually CHOSE to be quarantined, isn't it? 10. Fly Me to the Moon This movie about flies stowing away on a moon rocket was actually a government-sponsored plot to make traveling offworld seem so awful that nobody would ever want to do it again. In the face of such compelling evidence, you cannot deny the TRUTH. Somebody — or something — doesn't want us to leave the planet. We're being . . . quarantined!!!


Annalee Newitz

@Dominus Astra: Scalzi is clearly part of the conspiracy to make this *seem* like science fiction when it is obviously TRUTH.