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LHC Scientist Confuses Star Wars with Star Trek, Universe Doomed

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NEW HAVEN, CONNECTICUT. (Agencies) The scientific world is shocked today as Michael Zeller-a professor of physics at Yale who has been working at the Large Hadron Collider-reportedly misquoted the Star Trek tagline "Where no man has gone before" and, further shattering the Universe time-space fabric, attributed it to Star Wars:"What did they say in ‘Star Wars'? We're going where no man has ever been? Well, that's where we're going," Zeller said in declarations to the Yale Daily News about the LHC first beam test last Wednesday. Professor Zeller helped create the zero degree calorimeter used in Atlas, one of the main experiments at CERN's multi-billion dollar Large Hadron Collider. "No that's not where you are going, old man!" replied in a telephone interview with the Wichita Early Star a visibly angered William Shatner, "You are going to the cuckoo house, that's where you are going! Where no man has ever been? Are you out of your mind? Have you had way too much Alvanian brandy yesterday? Did you forget your red pill? I can't believe you are one of the guys in charge of that damn doomsday ring." Famed Captain Kirk impersonator and Gizmodo feature editor Wilson Rothman agreed: "Fo sho. Seriously dude, what was he thinking? Shat is right. Zeller probably needs to change the brandy for some Coors Light." Carl Zweissweger-an engineer at Lockheed Martin who worked on the failed Mars Climate Orbiter-said that he now had serious doubts about the LHC experiment. "Look," he declared "we may have got the Imperial units vs Metric units thing wrong, but at least we damn know that an Imperial Star Destroyer can kick the crap out of any stupid Federation spaceship." Indeed, many other experts are asking themselves how one of the contributors to the experiment that allegedly may find God's particle can make such an error, introducing doubts about its validity and new safety concerns. "OK, let me say this again," said Agent 1229, the anonymous physics aficionado who has been harassing Giz and scientists all over the world about the LHC attempts to destroy Earth. "You fuckers didn't believe me before, you thought I was a fucking nutcase... actually I was starting to believe it myself, but now... now guess fucking what? I am right! How the fuck can we trust a nerdy scientist when he misquotes Star Trek and confuses it with Star Wars? You are all crazy! You!" he shouted. We couldn't finish the interview with Agent 1229 because various policemen carried his cage back to the armored truck as he muttered "we are fucking fucked, man... we are so fucking fucked." CERN didn't return our calls, but speaking on condition of anonymity, Professor Mjölnevik-a physicist working at the Alice experiment-declared: "What? For shame. OK. I'm going back to bed." [Yale Daily News]