Go outside? Are you kidding me? Have you seen what goes on out there? You're way better off staying in the safety and comfort of your own home. And thanks to the power of the Internet, you too can enjoy the best of what the outside world has offer without having to wade through all of its undesirable byproducts.
To ensure that the only strangers you come in contact with are couriers and service technicians, you'll need to cover all of your domestic bases. That includes feeding, bathing, clothing, and entertaining yourself. Here's how to do it all.
Feeding yourself is the first step towards your reclusive goals and also the easiest. In fact, you've probably already been doing it for years by ordering takeout. The tried and true method of ringing your local pizzeria still applies, of course, but online options such as Seamless and Eat24 are quickly becoming the delivery norm. While their restaurant selections are limited, in part, to which companies choose to use the services, you can routinely score 15-percent-plus discounts on your orders without having to open your front door to get the knob hanger coupons.
In more of a snacking mood? NatureBox will send you a monthly delivery of five sizable healthy-snack packages for $20 a month. It might not be as fun as the Bacon of the Month Club, but it should help keep the scurvy at bay.
Delivery is handy and all but it deprives you of a very rewarding indoor hobby (and, believe me, you're going to need a lot of them if you're never going outside again): cooking. Luckily, in recent years a number of fresh grocery delivery services have sprung up around the country. FreshDirect was the original, but more recent services can score you everything from farm-fresh ingredients (Quinciple: NYC-only) to just-laid eggs (Good Eggs: SF, NYC, New Orleans, LA). Many cities of all sizes offer similar, hyperlocal deliveries. For more routine needs, national chains like Safeway offer online shopping and grocery delivery services for a nominal extra fee.
If you want to get extra fancy, however, take a look at Plated. This delivery service—currently delivering in select major cities, check here for availability—will send you all the fixins necessary to whip up gourmet meals in the privacy of your own home. And if you're lucky enough to be holed up in California (especially the northern half). Who knew being a recluse could be so delicious?
Just because you aren't going out anymore doesn't mean you don't have to change your undies on the daily. In fact, with all the online shopping options available, you'll be able to swap ensembles three times a day.
Obviously, you've got the big box stores like Sears, K-Mart, and Walmart all offering online shopping and home delivery, same with the outlets like Abercrombie & Fitch, Banana Republic, American Eagle, or Anthropologie. You can get anything from outerwear to unmentionables and any layer in between.
But really, who has time to think about coordinating outfits when there are GMOs in the food chain and brain-eating amoebas in the water supply? Thankfully, online services such as Manpacks and the Trunk Club will do the heavy thinking for you. Manpacks offers home delivery of grooming essentials including underwear, undershirts, socks, razors, and condoms (a perfect augment to her monthly Lady Box delivery) while the Trunk Club employs a personal stylist to hand-pick trendy couture outfits—shirts, pants, sweaters, cardigans, scraggly beards, and waxed mustaches—before delivering them to your home for a 10-day fitting trial.
Look, you're going to run out of toilet paper at some point. It's just going to happen. And unless you want to start sacrificing precious manifesto pages to the porcelain gods, you'd better get a home supplies refill, stat.
You could simply order a few rolls from Target, sure, and hold it until the package arrives but what if you've got to go right now? If you've signed up as a beta tester for Google Shopping Express, you are all set.
This prototype service aims to beat Amazon Prime and eBay at their own games by offering same-day delivery from a number of local grocers and big box stores. I use it, it's awesome but unfortunately, Shopping Express is only available in select West Coast markets at the moment and probably won't be expanding to the backwoods of Montana for some time. In which case, you're going to want to use some leafs to wipe that up until you can get back into town.
For any other odds and ends—to make sure that your yard remains weeded and your windows remain spotless—sign up for TaskRabbit or Zaarly. These services allows you to outsource basic home errands and repairs to a pool of local bidders. You may not enjoy all that human interaction, but it's still better than fixing your own roof.
Who says you can't enjoy the finer things in life just because you've voluntarily ostracized yourself from civil society? It worked out just fine for Howard Hughes.
It's remarkably easy to prevent cabin fever in the 21st century. 500 channels of cable, decades of streaming content through Netflix, Hulu, and Crunchyroll, and the Internet's seemingly endless torrent of porn should be more than enough to keep you mentally and sexually titillated, but what if you just want to get good and blackout drunk?
Yes, there's an online retailer for that, too. Liquormart of Boulder, Colorado will ship booze to your front door—assuming you live in one of the eight American states that allows interstate liquor shipments. Otherwise do a quick search for in-state alcohol dispensaries.
And speaking of dispensaries, if you live in one of the 20 states that allow medical marijuana (and have a valid medical reason for obtaining a permit) you're going to want to see if any of them deliver as the Green Cross in San Francisco does.
That should cover the basic needs of your newly-reduced universe. By following this guide you'll be able to keep yourself fed and clothed and not entirely insane for as long as you wish. Just better hope your company allows for telecommuting.