Seamless+ Exists Now, Because Every Goddamn Thing Needs to Be a Subscription Service

Illustration for article titled Seamless+ Exists Now, Because Every Goddamn Thing Needs to Be a Subscription Service
Screenshot: Seamless

Ten dollars a month will buy you some decent things, even in this economy. Or you can flush it down the shiny new toilet that is Seamless+.

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Launched today alongside Grubhub+ (Grubhub owns both delivery platforms, and they appear to be in every way identical), both extraneous Plus programs are proof there’s no limit to the number of totally inapplicable things that marketing dipshits will try to turn into a subscription service, all in the name of steady, recurring revenue.

$10 a month gets you free delivery and... that’s about it. There’s a 10-percent cashback feature but heavily caveated such that it’s A) $10 for every $100 spent, not a rolling total and B) only available for the first 30 days of the subscription. A time-constrained benefit defeated the purpose of a perpetual membership!

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It also entitles members to “speak directly with a Seamless+ [or Grubhub+, as the case may be] Elite Care representative.” Fader social media director Annalise Domenighini, who tweeted about the pointless, nearly unGoogleable subscription service, lampooned this feature as paying “even more money to talk to someone who doesn’t work at a restaurant.”

The only good news of this ill-fated and soon-to-be-quietly-shuttered cash grab belongs to broke college kids. As the company press release notes, “all students enrolled in any of the 150+ campuses that work with Grubhub will receive Grubhub+ for free.”

It’s unknown whether the restaurants and drivers themselves—which are reportedly squeezed by the economic demands of Grubhub and similar delivery platforms—see a cut of these subscription funds. We’ve reached out to the company for clarity on that point and will update if we hear back.

Imagine the most insipid concept. Nope, dumber than that. Whatever you’re thinking of will be the pitch of some corporate tithe in the next eight to fifteen months. Great job willing that into existence.

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Senior reporter. Tech + labor /// bgmwrites@gmail.com Keybase: keybase.io/bryangm Securedrop: http://gmg7jl25ony5g7ws.onion/

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DISCUSSION

I don't get it. What are they offering?