Teenage life is filled with unspoken inevitabilities: unplaceable angst, unfortunate haircuts, sitting next to that dream boat Dirk Perkins in trigonometry class. But what nobody ever tells you is that, at some point, you will go to prom with a vampire.
Of course, I'm twisting the truth a smidge. Maybe you won't go to prom with a vamp, but you're destined to accompany Nosferatu to a homecoming dance, cotillion, debutante's ball, quinceañera, Amish Rumspringa festival, or just your run-of-the-mill hootenanny.
And in all of these instances, the proper soundtrack is the difference between a coming-of-age moment with plenty of meaningful eye contact and ending up exsanginuated in an Arby's parking lot and having your desiccated corpse tossed in the nearest quarry. Here are 10 songs that will guarantee a magical night.
10.) "Hands Off" by Maria Vidal from Once Bitten
In Jim Carrey's first starring film role, he played a teenage virgin who's seduced by a much older woman. In this sequence, the centuries-old Countess and his high-school sweetheart compete for his affections using the power of Reagan-era interpretative dance.
9.) "Come To Me" by Deborah Holland and Brad Fiedel from Fright Night, Part 2
Honestly, I prefer Brad Fiedel's instrumental porno jam from the first Fright Night, but the second iteration of "Come To Me" kills it with the female vocals and the severe fiddle breakdown.
8.) "Dracula's Pajama Party" by "Jerking" James Whitcroft
It's almost impossible to track down a copy of this (non-fiction) song, but you'll be glad you did. My advice? Hit eBay. An acceptable substitute is "Halloween Shindig" by Ed Twilley and The Creepers.
7.) "After Dark" by Tito and Tarantula from From Dusk Till Dawn
This sultry song goes out to commenter Dresan, who has requested more Salma Hayek-related content on io9. Sadly, I won't post the scene, because if you dance like Salma Hayek at the prom, your chaperoning gym teacher will tie a makeshift sarong of flag football pinnies around your torso. This is also a good song to play if you ever go to the prom with Quentin Tarantino.
6.) "I Love The Nightlife" by Alice Bridges from Love At First Bite
Dear internet, can George Hamilton's Dracula haircut make a comeback? Make this happen.
5.) "Bela Lugosi's Dead" from The Hunger
If you happen to go to one of those artsy magnet schools where everyone's academic concentrations are Brechtian theater and disaffection, this is a good choice. Then again, you'd probably be too cool to have a prom or just ironically play our next tune...
4.) "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" by Iron and Wine from Twilight
If I had directed Twilight, I would've scored the prom scene with either one of the rap songs from The Addams Family movies, but hey, that's why I don't work in Hollywood. They make you compromise your creative vision.
3.) "Naughty Naughty" by John Parr from Near Dark
Sure, this is the song that plays when Bill Paxton eviscerates an entire honky-tonk bar full of confused patrons. But look at John Parr's life! He lives, like, the most exciting life ever.
PS: I totally can't remember the song Luke Perry and Kristy Swanson danced to in the original Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Ergo, "Naughty Naughty."
2.) "Wild Horses" by The Sundays from Buffy The Vampire Slayer
When I was 14, I thought this song was what having a girlfriend sounded like. I also had no idea who Keith Richards was.
1.) "There He Is Again" by The Hues Corporation from Blacula
When I someday become the principal of a high school, I will play the soundtrack to Blacula start to finish. And when that LP stops, I'm moving on to Tangerine Dream's entire score to Near Dark. Then I will lose my job.
Many thanks to Meredith Woerner, who wrote the book on vampire dance scenes.