Last week, we profiled a range of godawful Halloween regalia that’s undeniable proof our society should just cut the theatrics and ramp up those ritualistic human sacrifices Jack Chick’s always warning us about.
https://gizmodo.com/sluttiest-and-weirdest-store-bought-halloween-costumes-5948481
Today, a new batch of All Hallow’s crapola has us freebasing Skor bars and black licorice Chuckles. Why? So we can astrally project ourselves to a halcyon century when every citizen didn’t dress as a deranged latex mummer on October 31 (and only bore the aroma of wild boar anus 365 days a year).
What costumes could possibly whip us into such a frenzy? Yandy’s “sexy” Sesame Street costumes. There is a nubile Oscar the Grouch with “I ♥ TRASH” taped to her buttocks. Elmo looks like he was surgically grafted unwillingly to his model’s head. Cookie Monster’s namesake pastry has somehow become a fellatio totem. And yes, someone out there will have intercourse in that Big Bird costume by November 1. If any pop cultural law deserves to be inscribed in stone, it’s “NOBODY BANGS THE MUPPETS.”
Everything about this makes us feel dead inside and like our childhoods were spent in a spider-filled oubliette — save the Bert model’s best attempt at a disapproving facial expression. Given what she’s working with, we truly appreciate the effort. [Via Laughing Squid]
