Last week on Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, we had a horror tale; this week, we have a wacky, silly episode that runs like The Hangover. Apparently they’re hitting all the big genres this year. What will we get next week? A western? A cartoon? And when is that puppet episode coming?
Season four, episode three, “Human Best Friend,” opens with voice-over from both Ortegas and Scotty, essentially talking about how much they dislike each other. But in a way that seems kind of “professional”—you know, “I don’t want to complain,” that type of thing.
In fact, Pike has noticed that everyone seems a little bit stressed, a bit on edge. So he announces that alpha ship is taking shore leave. He plays a video for a resort called the Cesnar Grand. It is a tech-free zone, and there is an “intoxicating atmosphere” that kicks in on the planet, allowing each patron to experience the resort differently. Uhura and Scotty are both worried about work, but Chapel and Ortegas are certainly not. They have negotiations scheduled with the Rodaxians to help negotiate a civil war on their planet, but that’s not for two weeks. They can go enjoy a vacation, come back, and still have a week to prepare for the negotiations.
The shuttle heads down to the planet, though not without some backseat driving from Scotty, which drives Ortegas crazy. The atmospheric drug starts kicking in before they even land. It’s like they’re tripping: wacky colors and distorted camera angles.
When we come back, Ortegas wakes and finds the room trashed. This is where we learn (well, when I figured out) we are in for The Hangover action. There is a tribble crawling around, and Scotty is in an outfit that looks suspiciously like a mugato costume. Neither remembers anything after the landing of the shuttle. Before they have time to figure anything out, Dendru (Dave Foley), the “cruise director” of the retreat, shows up to deliver a message for Pike. He’s not in his room, so Ortegas is asked to find him and deliver the envelope (remember: no tech). And because Scotty is somehow drunk, but Ortegas is not inebriated in any way, she takes him with her because he can’t be trusted on his own. Ortegas has no idea what happened, why Scotty was in a costume (which he has since taken off), or how she broke her arm (it’s in a cast, and she has no recollection of what happened). She plans on dumping him with Pike when they find him.
They show up at Spock’s room, looking for Pike. Spock has no clue where Pike is, and insists he is drunk. Other than talking a lot, and claiming he is hallucinating seeing Kirk with him, he doesn’t seem to be inebriated. Spock sends Ortegas and Scotty to check out Uhura’s room. Once they leave, Kirk shows up and gets a hug from Spock. Perhaps this is because of the mind-meld they did last season…?
On to Uhura’s room. She is stoned, wearing a sparkly outfit, and seems to be partying her ass off. Ortegas is still looking for Pike; Uhura has no idea where he might be. She refuses to take Scotty on, because it’s not part of her “journey” or something, and sends them off—but tells them to return with cookies.
Ortegas finds that Scotty has run off. She finds him in the bar, where, even more shockingly, Number One is singing karaoke. “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” In Vulcan. And she is signed up to sing 15 more Vulcan power ballads. It’s pretty much the greatest scene ever.
Sitting at the bar, Ortegas and Scotty find Dr. M’Benga… tending bar. He is loving it. He is finally doing something with his hands that he enjoys—something with far fewer lives at stake. Unlike the others, he actually knows where Pike is.
Next stop: the tattoo parlor, where Ortegas and Scotty find Pike getting his arm inked up. He doesn’t care about the note; he wants to know what they think of him getting his face inked. Pike takes the note and says they should get them for the ship—it will drive Uhura crazy. The note says the Rodaxian diplomats are coming to the Enterprise in the next two hours. Not in two weeks—two hours. That’s not good. Ortegas panics, wondering what they should do. Pike tells them to get the shuttle and he will have everyone rounded up by then. Ortegas tries to leave Scotty there, but Pike “likes seeing them have fun together,” so off Scotty goes with Ortegas.
Ortegas is the only one not inebriated, something I still don’t understand—how is she the only one unaffected by this drug in the air? If it can even get Spock messed up… Dendru mentioned something about the “fine print” and the “micro-fine print” which I guess means “Don’t worry about it; it’s more fun if you don’t ask questions.” Okay, I can do that.
Ortegas and Scotty have to get the shuttle. But someone moved it, and the woman who runs the valet says she gave the chip to Scotty a few hours ago. Ortegas is full-on pissed at Scotty for losing the shuttle. Scotty suggests using a tricorder to locate it, and only he and Uhura smuggled them in. But Scotty left his on the shuttle.
So, back to Uhura. She says that she won’t turn it over to them unless they clear their energy. That’s their journey. They make crappy apologies to one another, and she turns over the tricorder. Scotty takes it and looks at it, he can see the shuttle through the hotel security system. He then throws it to Ortegas. Without looking. Which means instead of throwing it to her, he throws it over to the side, which sends it over the railing to the first floor, where it crashes to the ground and breaks.
The security network has a hub in the central office. Ortegas figures out they need to hack into the computer to locate their shuttle. But Scotty is way too inebriated to be successful at hacking. So they go to the one person who isn’t messed up: Spock. Or, at least, not messed up in the same sense as Scotty.
Spock is worried that he is too inebriated to help. Ortegas assures him he is not. They arrive at the central office, but find no computer. There is a plant. Spock thinks he can telepathically link with it, sits down, and “mind melds” with the desk plant. This actually works and he sees that the shuttle is up north, being protected by a group of thieves. He recommends they bring La’An as muscle. But Spock isn’t going with them. He sees them both as plants right now, and he should rest.
Ortegas and Scotty leave, leaving Spock with Kirk. Spock has never had a human best friend. “I want to talk about hopes, dreams, fears…” They sit down and talk.
La’An has taken over a relaxation class, telling everyone it is now a jiu-jitsu class. Ortegas has just the job for her and drags her out.
They find where the shuttle has been taken, and La’An sees a group of guys. She goes to “talk” to them alone, but what she really does is beat the hell out of one of them. She strides back to Ortegas and Scotty, saying she is now their leader. She needs to show them how to negotiate, so she demands Scotty’s Hawaiian-style shirt (which I think also has a mugato on it, riding a surfboard) and brings it back to them as a “reward.”
They find the shuttle, damaged, behind a billboard. They couldn’t sell it because the operating chip is missing. Ortegas’ theory is that Scotty was trying to fix it and moved it out here because he couldn’t. In frustration, she strikes the computer panel, which causes the computer to boot up. Which means the chip is nearby. They finally figure it out: it has been hidden in Ortegas’ cast! They pull it out but suddenly, then are kidnapped by masked people, with bags thrown over their heads.
They wake to find they are tied to chairs. Scotty thinks they took his eyeballs. They knock themselves over and their bags fall off. They wriggle around, with Ortegas not understanding why Scotty isn’t mad because she has been blaming him for losing the ship, when it was clearly her fault. It’s because Scotty grew up with six brothers, and he usually got blamed when things went wrong—and usually it was his fault. So he just figured the same thing was happening. She used to get in trouble for blaming Beto for things that weren’t entirely his fault.
They finally get untied when Dendru shows up, promising he just did what he told them he would do. “Dendru, keep us away from our shuttle. Tie us up if you have to.” Sounds like something Scotty would say. Ortegas is still angry. Dendru suggests that if you keep looking, you will always find something to be angry about. You have to decide if you will ignore it, let it ruin your day, or figure out what you are angry about. He then suggests they stop by Room C.
Room C is the Bingo room, where Chapel is playing hard, and threatening all the little old Bingo ladies. They get ready to fight, when La’An and her new team of guys—one wearing Scotty’s shirt—come in to egg them on and join in the fight. Ortegas can’t handle this. She needs La’An and drags her out. “Avenge me!” she cries out. Scotty scoops up Chapel and follows Ortegas.
Everyone is back on the shuttle. They all look hungover. Number One is still wearing her crazy rainbow boa from the karaoke; Pike ended up getting that face tattoo. Pike tells the group they are now representing Starfleet and they have to be professional. Number One doesn’t think the atmospheric drug has left their system yet.
Pike and Number One are on the transporter deck, greeting the Rodaxians, while still giggling to themselves—and getting strange looks from the Rodaxians.
Ortegas goes to fix the shuttle but finds Scotty there, fixing it himself. She helps him, and starts to open up. She was hard on Beto because she wanted things to be hard for someone besides herself. She had wanted to be an engineer, but never had the brain for it. She felt bad that she couldn’t do it, even though she had a knack for piloting. She isn’t mad at Scotty; it’s just the idea that she couldn’t do it. Scotty has basically the same story, that he failed at piloting and ended up in engineering. They kind of make up, a real apology to one another. Scotty takes off a part of the console and finds… a bomb inside. If Scotty moves his hands, it’s going to go boom. Ortegas runs to get help.
She runs to where Pike is trying to deal with the Rodaxians. She tries to get his attention but can’t. So she whispers to Uhura, standing at the front of a line of folks who were at the retreat, and tells her there is a bomb on board. But Uhura is still stoned.
Spock catches up with Ortegas in the hallway, saying he heard about her “avocado” problem. That’s the problem with playing Telephone! He used reverse human logic to figure out that it was a bomb. He is there to help—but he still sees Ortegas as a plant.
Spock finds a video of Ortegas and Scotty from when they were both intoxicated at the resort, telling them that the shuttle has been messed with, the key is in Ortegas’ cast, and not to bring the shuttle back to the Enterprise. Okay, not logical. Spock figures out what is in the bomb and says an explosion would be catastrophic. There is only one choice: for Scotty to fly the bomb off in the shuttle. Ortegas goes with him to pilot since his hands are kind of full. Spock will attempt to transport them out before the bomb blows.
Spock goes to the transportation bay and starts setting the coordinates. He wishes he had a second pair of hands to help him, and Kirk shows up. Spock thinks it’s still his imagination. Kirk slaps him, hard, to prove he is real.
Ortegas tells Spock they are ready, and she and Scotty have a nice moment where she says, “I think we would’ve been friends.” Awww.
Back in the negotiations, Pike has, apparently, truly offended one side of the Rodaxians. Suddenly, there is a huge explosion out the window, with a bunch of colorful fireworks. Everyone watches in wonder.
Ortegas and Scotty make it back to the transport bay, alive and well. Well, except that one of Scotty’s fingers was blown off. They run off to med bay, and Spock turns to tell imaginary Spock that he’s really glad for the time they spent together. Before they leave, Ortegas says hi to Kirk, which leaves Spock bewildered. Kirk was on vacation on Cesnar and was glad to run into Spock and get to know him better. Kirk promises to keep all of Spock’s secrets.
After the explosion, the Rodaxians—all of them—applaud. Apparently that was the Rodaxian Formal Rite of Peace, something that has not been seen in generations. It is expensive and dangerous to do, and the Rodaxians are impressed that Starfleet would do this for them. Pike and his crew try not to look too surprised. The initially offended Rodaxians want the peace talks to continue. They shake Pike’s hands, and he brings them in for a hug.
In the finale, everyone is sitting in the bar, sharing their experiences and filling in Ortegas and Scotty on what happened. Apparently, they ran into a costume party trying to talk to Pike and had to put on loaner costumes. Ortegas had something called a Dragon Ball that was supposed to be a drug for the whole party, but she and Scotty must have taken it all down themselves, which would explain the loss of attention.
The saboteur has been caught, a Rodaxian militant who wanted to mess up the negotiations. Dr. M’Benga has gotten much, much better at flipping bottles. Chapel suggests they make it a yearly retreat.
Bonus! Over the credits, you get more footage of Number One singing the Vulcan “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” played over footage of the crew getting wild.
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