Onion

InfoWars Relaunches as Bankruptcy Judge Questions Auction to The Onion

The judge said "no one should feel comfortable with results of this auction."

The Onion Wins Auction to Take Over InfoWars

The satirical news org will relaunch InfoWars with a "relentless barrage of humor for good."

Onions Sold in 37 States Linked to Salmonella Outbreak in U.S.

At least 129 people have been hospitalized so far.

The Dark Web Is Mostly Full of Garbage

The dark web—the portion of the deep web only accessible through specific software—exists to serve the needs of hackers-for-hire, hitmen, internet drug kingpins, child pornographers, and their inevitable customers. That’s the public consensus. Then there’s the counter-narrative. In spite of them ne’er-do-wells, .onion sites are invaluable for whistleblowers, activists, and regular citizens sick of having…

The Dark Web Just Got Safer 

The dark web isn’t the scary, pervert-riddled digital crime swamp that shows like CSI:Cyber portray it as. But until this week, dark web sites hidden with the .onion domain lacked some basic security features. Without recognition from internet regulators like ICANN, people running .onion sites had no easy way to get security certificates. It was…

The Onion knocks it out of the park with this piece: “Comic Book Fans Adamant That Human Torch Be Played By Actor Whose Body Actually Engulfed In Flames.” It’s a, well, fantastic response to the uproar over Michael B. Jordan playing Johnny Storm in the upcoming Fantastic Four movie. [h/t Graeme McMillan]

This guy can chop onions so fast it’s unreal

His technique may not be orthodox but it’s definitely efficient. I timed it and he chops an onion in, roughly, ten seconds. Which is less than what it takes to do it with a domestic food processor—considering that you have to cut the onion first, put it in the machine, close the lid, chop it,…

A Bizarre Alternate History. The Onion points to a strange work of far-fetched science fiction in which North America was occupied by millions of so-called “Native Americans” before Europeans arrived. Sounds like someone’s ripping off Avatar again.

This Onion TED Parody Has a Dog Eating Apple Pie, and That’s All That Matters

I’m sure the new Onion’s TED parody is funny, but I was just too impatient to sit through all that talk about how we consume, digest and poop out news even before they are fully written. So I jumped to the end, when a dog eats an apple pie, a moment I’ve waited to see…

This Is Basically Everyone Who’s Ever Quit Netflix—And It Works

Iranian News Agency Copies the Onion, Says Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad to Obama

The semi-official Iranian news agency FNA has just published this news item: “Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad to Obama.” But of course they do! Here’s their complete text: Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad to Obama TEHRAN (FNA)- According to the results of a Gallup poll released Monday, the overwhelming majority of rural white…

The Onion Erects a Non-Satirical Paywall

Fake news don’t come cheap; The Onion has begun testing a paywall for its international readers. Under the current system, you get five free articles per month, after which it’s $3/month or $30/year for access. But no worries, skimmers and culture snobs! The A.V. Club and homepage don’t count, and the system won’t be deployed…

The Onion Profiles a Little Town’s World’s Largest Website

TheWorlds LargestWebsite.com, located in the center of town and featuring thousands upon thousands of long, scrolling pages of text and images, is an impressive computer-age curio. But to the people of Sunnyvale it’s much more than just a roadside attraction: It’s a point of pride-and an economic boon-in a corner of Silicon Valley that has…

Why the Unemployed Need MacBooks

What is it that the unemployed need more than anything to get back on their feet? The Onion’s panel of experts (mostly) agrees: Apple products. The worst part? Somewhere, someone without a job probably is plunking down a cool grand on a MacBook Pro refurb because learning graphic design is the only way out of…

The Onion Should Develop the Next Version of Microsoft Word

Oh, Onion. Sometimes your satire cuts so deep that it comes out the other side as near-fact: “Microsoft Word Now Includes Squiggly Blue Line To Alert Writer When Word Is Too Advanced For Mainstream Audience.” [The Onion]

The Onion Helps Redefine the Grid

Getting off the grid just isn’t what it used to be, The Onion reports. Which is good, because I was planning on dropping off the map for a bit sometime soon. Just as long as it’s to somewhere I can check in from. [The Onion]

The Troubling Rise In Teen Uranium Enrichment

Kids these days. Take your eye off ’em for half a second, and they’re back in the lab enriching uranium to sell to rogue states. The Onion takes a hard look at the gateway science that’s ruining our children’s future. [Splitsider]

The Onion Reveals Apple’s Worst Case Scenario

With Steve Jobs on an extended leave of absence, what’s the worst that could really happen at Apple? As in most things, I prefer the The Onion’s take. [The Onion]

Watch The Onion Take On the Future’s News Today

The Onion, that venerable source of satire both topical and historic, is today dipping its toes in the premium content pond. The result: “Future: News from the Year 2137,” an Onion-ized look at the world of tomorrow today. https://gizmodo.com/controversial-google-service-targets-ads-to-your-911-ca-5541465 The latest Onion News Network short, which is currently available on iTunes, differs in two key…

Remainders – The Good, Bad and Ugly Things We Didn’t Post (and Why)

In today’s remainders: The Onion visits CES; Recompute makes a cardboard PC; a robot spins on its head; and a helmet inspired by an armadillo. Raw Onion America’s Finest News Source visited CES this year and reported on the gadgets that excited them most. Among them: Bose Noise-Delaying Headphones, Texas Instruments’ Graphic Bassoon, and an…